Blur + Confused

It’s 12:50am on Saturday early rainy morning, 5 November 2005. I just reach home from dinner cum supper with Boy at Damai. I am supposed to go to bed now but I’ve this blur & confused feeling in my mind, which makes me difficult to sleep. I don’t know who to share with about this so I decided to open my Lap Top, switch on the Windows Media Player to play soft music and started pouring out what’s in my mind…
Today is the second last day of my 9 days Deepavali cum Hari Raya holidays. I was supposed to be very happy and had an enjoyable holiday. It turns out I had a very boring 9 days holidays. I can’t blame anyone about this but I just feel bad & disappointed now. I was thinking I’ll have a good time with friends or Boy but it turn out the opposite way. I had fun the first holiday nite, which was last Saturday nite, when I went to Shennanigan’s with whole group of current and ex-colleagues. May Leong, Miss Tham, Nicole Chin, Rene Chin, Joseph Ngai, Eddie, Kiong, Penny, Chai, Tina and some other friends. I was happy I enjoyed myself that nite. I reach home early and hoping the following days would be at least enjoyable, not-to-mention fun or interesting…BUT… *sigh*
I went to survey all the potential houses around KK with parents the whole Sunday morning till about 2:00pm. My parents finally had more interest for the houses at Manax Avenue (Taman Saga) at Kolombong, which is just behind Boy’s Residence. I was happy about it too. The environment was not too bad too. we consider for few days and finally we made a booking on Wednesday morning. The expected completion date is April 2006.
I went shopping with Tina and Jade on Monday afternoon. The rest of the days I spend it sleeping, eating, watching VCD at home ONLY. Boy was sick for few days. I didn’t really contact friends cos I don’t have a car to ask them out for a drink or shopping. I had to stay home. I was really looking forward to spending a day or two with Boy to somewhere further away from KK…maybe places like Kundasang or Gunung Emas or any Resorts…I know he’s sick…I didn’t sound a word…I know we had tight budget…I keep quiet too… *sigh*
My days past as usual. On Wednesday morning, I had brunch (breakfast cum lunch) with Boy at Bundusan Restaurant, Beverly Hills, he told me his father talked to him about us attending marriage course at Church. Suddenly I feel so happy cos I was thinking about it for quite a long time already *blush* I didn’t show my very-happy reaction but I was really happy. He told me he answered his dad that it’s too early to talk about this matter. The feeling I have at the moment is like my hope drop to 0%, I was so sad and disappointed. Anway, I didn’t show my reaction either. It’s not cos I’m too eager in getting married but I think I know myself very well. I choose to have a family not cos of having a rich hubby or very comfortable life. I was hoping to have a comfortable and loving family, that’s all !!! I never ask for anything more. I was in few relationships, until I found Boy whom I think would be a suitable hubby for me, so I really settled myself down, no matter I know how wonderful the outside world would be. I totally change myself to be a down-to-earth girl cos I know it’s time for me to grow up and have a family already. I was only hoping for a loving, caring and understanding hubby when I reach home from work. I don’t need a baby yet at the moment. I would like to enjoy 2 years of comfortable and loving twosome world before planning for a baby. I had this strong feeling and urge of getting married at the age of 24 or 25. I know if I remained in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship for too long, the fireworks between us would cool down. I have been in this relationship for 1 year 9 months already. I’ve never been a relationship for this long. I think 2 years is long enough for me to remain in boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I’m tired already cos I know I really treasure this relationship too much, no one will ever know what will happen tomorrow so I prefer my relationship to be one step ahead. That’s why I had this 0% hope once he told me what he answered his dad.
On second thought, I can’t force anyone. I just can let this relationship be until times come. Marriage is about two persons. Only one person can’t make it works. If I’ve to wait for few more years, I think I won’t think about marriage already. I know I can be independent. I know I can take care of myself. I wouldn’t need a hubby or a loving family. I’ll need friends (especially girl friends) and sufficient income for the rest of my life. I hope this day won’t happen to me. *sigh* I really hope Boy would change his materialistic thinking. I don’t know how long could I sacrifice myself in this boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. *sigh*
I have friends whose in long-term relationship…ends up…break off…or STILL in boyfriend-girlfriend relationship for more than 5 years and more years to come…or STILL in boyfriend-girlfriend relationship but staying together…it’s like never-ending story…
These few days Boy has been hinting me that he would only plan marriage when he reach the age of 30. He also mentioned that he would like to purchase a unit at 1Borneo Service Suites as his future home there. The project takes 3 years to complete, which is when he’s at the age of 30. I keep quiet. I really don’t know what comments to give. I’m already very blur and confused after his answer that day. After thinking for some time, he told me he feels sorry for his parents if both he and his brother moved out to stay. They would be so lonely *sigh* I also kept quiet. I really don’t know what to answer. I’m an only child. I think that phrase would be more suitable for me to stay. At least he has a brother to be with them again. Once I got married, I wouldn’t be able to company them anymore. I feel sorry for them too. I know I couldn’t ask him for earlier marriage but my feeling is so sad + disappointed + blur + confused. I don’t know whether he really loves me or not. I don’t know what is going to happen to me the next day. I don’t know whether his plan is going to be smooth, as he had planned for the next 3 years. I ONLY know we’ve to treasure what we have now, before we regret when it’s too late… *sob*
I can’t continue further…I don’t know what to express out already…I’m enough blur…
It’s 1:50 am now. I’ll go to sleep.
Tomorrow is going to be a better day !!! Don’t worry…Be happy !!!