Another Confused Nite

It’s 11:35pm on Friday nite, 25 November 2005. I just reach home about an hour ago. I had a lot of feelings flying around in my mind. I decided to write them down again…

I had a wonderful day in office today. It’s Tina’s Birthday today. I reach office as usual. Today RC and Jo did not go back to KL. The Company is cutting down costs so the Managers only can go back to KL on alternate weekends. This week it was Vivian’s turn. Sylvia came to join us for lunch today. We had lunch in Sugar Bun. The PC Fair started today until 27 November 2005. I went to survey around with Tina, Jade, Sylvia, Carol and Kiong. I met Stanley and Qing Yung. I was thinking of buying myself a Digital Camera and a new Notebook long time ago. I always had tight budget. I don’t understand why. I have been working for 4 years already. I started with a salary of RM700. Until today, I still had tight budget. I can’t recalled where I’ve used my salary monthly *hehehe* No matter how is my salary scale, I would still used that much. It’s time for me to buy the things that I’ve always wanted. I was very happy that some of the Notebooks could be paid by installments. It would be more expensive though, but at least my salary won’t be wasted elsewhere *hehehe*
I reach home around 7:00pm. I took shower and had my dinner. I was very tired already. I was resting while watching TV in the living room. Boy called me when he finished dinner around 8:30pm. Actually I was tired and don’t feel like going out already, but I knew he wanted to see me, so I join him for a drink. When he fetched me, he told me we’re going to Just Waiting Café at Damai for a drink cos Ah Vui is there alone. I was very tired. I thought it’s just a drink for both of us and then we can go home to sleep. Boy asked whether I could accompany him to Auction Event in Hyatt at 9:00am tomorrow. Without thinking, I answered him ‘Ok!’ We reach Just Waiting Café, Ah Vui was already there drinking his favourite Beer *hehehe* After a while, both of them started chit-chatting. They were talking about the difficulties and pressure in Boy’s job. No one talked to me then. I was so quiet, bored and very tired + sleepy. I almost fall asleep sitting there *hehehe* I thought over about tomorrow’s plan. I remembered that I need to settle some matters about the new house. I knew I had to talk to Boy about this.

Around 10:15pm, they realized I was very bored and sleepy already. Boy decided to send me home first then he’ll be back there to continue his chit-chat. On the way home, I talked to him about tomorrow. He looked and sounded so disappointed. I didn’t know what to do. I knew he really hope I can accompany him to Hyatt tomorrow but I also need to settle the matters for my parents first. I also told him about my Annual Leave, which I need to clear part of it in December. He feels I’m so troublesome to discuss with him about these. He answered me sarcastically. I felt so hurt. I just want to let him know what happened today and hope he would give me some opinions. I really wish he would let me know if we could go for holidays together in December since I could clear my Annual Leave *sigh*

Finally, I reached home around 10:30pm. I was confused and hurt. I talked to my parents about tomorrow. They told me there’s not much to do but I could feel they are very disappointed cos I can’t spend some time with them even during the weekend *sigh* I told them if there’s nothing much to do, I’ll need to go out around 8:15am. I feel bad treating them like that but I had no choice…I feel bad too to disappoint Boy…I had to sacrifice one of them. I came up to my room…feeling hurt + confused + bad about treating my parents this way. I’m also very tired and sleepy already. I look through all the brochures I took from the PC Fair this afternoon. I calculated the price. I’m still considering about it. I really hope I could get a new Notebook *sigh* Boy still owe me the amount of his new Palm and also the Handphone usage bills. Christopher still owes me the amount equivalent to a month of my BONUS. I’m in a very tight budget. I feel so sad. I think I had to give up my plans in the end. I asked Boy’s opinion about getting Christopher to pay me back in installment starting January 2006. I never thought he would run away with my loan. I was just hoping he could pay me back comfortably, instead of one lump sum, which would be more difficult. He lectured me in the cinema before watching Zathura. I was already hurt and disappointed. I keep quiet. I don’t want to start a fight. I feel so hurt. I feel so pressure. I’m just a simple girl with a normal job. I’m not a Professional. I feel so difficult in tight budget every month. I don’t know how long I’ve to last in this kind of life. I’ve not been shopping for nice clothes, traveling, rewarding myself with some thing more expensive for a VERY LONG time already. I used to have an enjoyable life with RM700 salary monthly.
I knew I think too much. Whenever I have this feeling popping up and flying everywhere in my mind, I would try to force myself to sleep and forget everything the next day, start fresh brand new day *sigh* I know I’ve to be more understanding and caring to Boy. I have to live the rest of my life with him again… *sob* I don’t ask for much…I just really hope he understands and cares for me more…I’m not childish…I don’t think he’ll ever understands me cos he’ll only thinks he’s always RIGHT in everything…

I can only tell myself ‘STOP! DON’T THINK TOO MUCH! GO TO SLEEP!’

*sigh* good night…I need to go bed now…12:30am…