'Hello?'
'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it Daddy.'
'And what happened honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?'
'No, this is 486-5713...'
'Sorry, wrong number!!!'
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Apple Price Increase From Greed
A man called Maha owns a farm which can produce 10 apples every day.
He has 5 workers to operate the farm.
Each of them eats 1 apple daily and it is enough to keep them operating the farm normally.
The remaining 4 apples, the landlord sells them at RM10 each and he earns RM40.
He uses the RM25 to improve the farm operation and facilities.
He gives RM2.00 to each of his workers and he keeps the remaining RM5.00 as profit.
Day by day, the farm is well developed and all of the 5 workers are happy with the money they can save.
When Maha passed away and there is a new landlord, Abdul comes to continue the farm operation.
He says to the workers: "We need to improve the farm> quality and redefine our way of thinking. From now on all of you only need to pay RM1.00 for each apple you eat. It is very cheap as the price is RM10 each outside the> farm."
The workers have no choice but to pay RM1.00 for the apple they eat daily.
Their earning decrease from RM2.00 to RM1.00 per person.
As usual, Abdul sells the 4 apples and he gets RM40.
He uses RM25 for farm improvement and pays RM10 to his 5 workers.
He gets RM5.00 as profit.
On top of that, he gets another RM5.00 from the apples that he sells to his workers.
In total, he gets RM10 as profit every day.
Soon, the apple price increases to RM20 each.
The new landlord gets a higher profit as he gets RM80 for the 4 apples he sells daily.
Then, he decides to give the farming improvement contract to one of his close friend, Samy.
Samy says: "Apple cost naik, improvement cost also misti naik."
So, the farm improvement cost increases from RM25 to RM50.
In actual, the improvement only cost RM30.
The remaining RM20, Abdul and Samy share evenly among themselves.
Let's calculate how much Abdul gets daily:
RM10 (from farm improvement cost)
RM20 (Net profit by selling 4 apples:
[Gross profit, RM80] – [Improvement cost, RM50] – [Wages, RM10] = RM20)
RM5 (from selling apples to his workers)
In total, Abdul gets RM35 daily compare to RM10 initially when he takes over the farm from Maha.
His profit increases RM25 and the workers are still getting RM1.00 daily per person.
The greedy Abdul does not want to stop there.
One day, he says to his fellow workers: " You see ah, the current market price for one apple is RM20 and you are only paying RM1. See how lucky you are! I have to SUBSIDY RM19.00 for each of the apple you buy and total I need to SUBSIDY RM95.00. This will greatly burden the farm and we might get bankrupt if we continue like this. In order to avoid bankruptcy, I need to increase the apple price that you buy from RM1.00 to RM1.50 and I will bare the remaining RM18.50 per apple as my subsidy to you all."
He has 5 workers to operate the farm.
Each of them eats 1 apple daily and it is enough to keep them operating the farm normally.
The remaining 4 apples, the landlord sells them at RM10 each and he earns RM40.
He uses the RM25 to improve the farm operation and facilities.
He gives RM2.00 to each of his workers and he keeps the remaining RM5.00 as profit.
Day by day, the farm is well developed and all of the 5 workers are happy with the money they can save.
When Maha passed away and there is a new landlord, Abdul comes to continue the farm operation.
He says to the workers: "We need to improve the farm> quality and redefine our way of thinking. From now on all of you only need to pay RM1.00 for each apple you eat. It is very cheap as the price is RM10 each outside the> farm."
The workers have no choice but to pay RM1.00 for the apple they eat daily.
Their earning decrease from RM2.00 to RM1.00 per person.
As usual, Abdul sells the 4 apples and he gets RM40.
He uses RM25 for farm improvement and pays RM10 to his 5 workers.
He gets RM5.00 as profit.
On top of that, he gets another RM5.00 from the apples that he sells to his workers.
In total, he gets RM10 as profit every day.
Soon, the apple price increases to RM20 each.
The new landlord gets a higher profit as he gets RM80 for the 4 apples he sells daily.
Then, he decides to give the farming improvement contract to one of his close friend, Samy.
Samy says: "Apple cost naik, improvement cost also misti naik."
So, the farm improvement cost increases from RM25 to RM50.
In actual, the improvement only cost RM30.
The remaining RM20, Abdul and Samy share evenly among themselves.
Let's calculate how much Abdul gets daily:
RM10 (from farm improvement cost)
RM20 (Net profit by selling 4 apples:
[Gross profit, RM80] – [Improvement cost, RM50] – [Wages, RM10] = RM20)
RM5 (from selling apples to his workers)
In total, Abdul gets RM35 daily compare to RM10 initially when he takes over the farm from Maha.
His profit increases RM25 and the workers are still getting RM1.00 daily per person.
The greedy Abdul does not want to stop there.
One day, he says to his fellow workers: " You see ah, the current market price for one apple is RM20 and you are only paying RM1. See how lucky you are! I have to SUBSIDY RM19.00 for each of the apple you buy and total I need to SUBSIDY RM95.00. This will greatly burden the farm and we might get bankrupt if we continue like this. In order to avoid bankruptcy, I need to increase the apple price that you buy from RM1.00 to RM1.50 and I will bare the remaining RM18.50 per apple as my subsidy to you all."
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Reasons Why Children Are Adorable
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
Friday, June 13, 2008
Happiness In Life
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another.
Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are.
After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with.
We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire.
The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now.
If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
Happiness is the way.
So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with...and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting.....
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer.
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.
There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching.
I am going to be happy today and everyday...
Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are.
After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with.
We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire.
The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now.
If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
Happiness is the way.
So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with...and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting.....
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer.
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.
There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching.
I am going to be happy today and everyday...
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Jokes For The Day
70 yrs old man asks his wife 'Do you feel sad when you see me running behind young girls?'
Wife replied 'No, not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it'.
A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date, her mother warned her...
'1st he kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll enjoy;
then he want to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name'
Next day, girl told Mom, 'Everything happen exactly as you predicted. I didn't allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family'
A white couple had a black baby...
The husband doesn't believe that it's his baby.
Husband: Why the baby black?
Wife: You hot, I hot, baby burnt
Wife: 'Honey, what are you looking for?'
Husband: 'Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date!'
Boy: Mom, why am I black and you are white?
Mom: Listen Son, considering all the crazy things I did years ago,you should be thankful that you are not barking!'
Wife replied 'No, not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it'.
A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date, her mother warned her...
'1st he kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll enjoy;
then he want to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name'
Next day, girl told Mom, 'Everything happen exactly as you predicted. I didn't allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family'
A white couple had a black baby...
The husband doesn't believe that it's his baby.
Husband: Why the baby black?
Wife: You hot, I hot, baby burnt
Wife: 'Honey, what are you looking for?'
Husband: 'Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date!'
Boy: Mom, why am I black and you are white?
Mom: Listen Son, considering all the crazy things I did years ago,you should be thankful that you are not barking!'
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Mathematics
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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