It's 4:00am now. I'm still not sleeping yet.
I have not blog for another week. I have loads of last minute finalizing to do for my wedding. I have loads of last minute shopping to do.
I missed all my good friends so much. I don't have time to sit down and relax and enjoy with them yet. Some of them are not in KK yet. I'm so excited to meet all of them especially on 17th~ ALL of them will be completely here with me by then...I have to be patient for now. =)
There's lotsa happy and unhappy moments I wished to blog and share here but I don't have the time and energy. I'm so tired everyday. I decided I must log in now to blog some of it in case I have forgotten about it after the wedding.
Yesterday we do final confirmation with his bro-in-law and he finally told us that he sponsor us for the invitation inserts and also the bunting at church. I felt so relieved after that good news. Finally his sis did something that I'm happy about. At least she's "human" enough to do something right just for this time. She don't just aim for her brother's money like nobody's business.
For the past one week, I have arguments with him about the decision making for the small details of wedding but everything is solve after a while. I felt much better as days are getting nearer to my wedding, where his mum and sis didn't mess a bit with my life. I feel so much happier. I wish my life everyday will be like this. =)
We have attended one-to-one marriage counselling with Pastor. He's a funny guy and I love listening to his talks and counsellings. Those are not boring and he has got plenty of funny examples to tell us. After the counselling sessions, we both knew there's more to go through in life after marriage. There's more things that Pastor insist he clear his mind and be more alert in loving and caring his wife more after marriage, which I'm so happy about it. He talked to me after the counselling session that he didn't know I had been through so much hurt and unhappy moments. He said he will try his best to learn to be more loving and caring to me. Pastor pray for us out loud, mentioning that as a man of the family after marriage, he has to sacrifice more of his daily life activities or attitudes to love and care for me more. I felt very happy at the moment Pastor prayed for us.
I have been sharing my unhappy moments with few of my closest friends the past week. I came to know that even my friends have gone through ups and downs in life after marriage, which is more difficult than what I'm going through now. I think and think about it over and over again. I had to learn to be stronger. What if I have to go through what they have gone through as well. I will have to be tougher. I learn to pray everyday now no matter I'm busy or tired. I include blessings for my friends in my prayers. I hope my prayers would really help my friends and myself. Amen~
I was surprised when my conversation with him for this one week is not so bad when he brought up the topic about his sis. On the other way, he really will tell me some of the things that he hates about his sis's attitude. He have never told me things like this before. Whenever we talked about his sis, we'll end of arguing but now after marriage counselling, it's so much difference. Pastor's words are so much stronger than ANYONE else around him. Amen~ GOD did miracles to help me~
I'm so tired already. I wish to blog more but my brain and eyes are not functioning properly already. I hope I can blog one more post before my wedding~ ^^
Friday, September 10, 2010
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
18 more days
It’s 12:05am now.
I haven’t been blogging for a week. I have been busy with buying of things for his room, helping him write invitation cards, finalizing the payments of several things and also meeting two of my friends for a drink. Today’s blog is also a better story compare to last few weeks. I have not met his mum and also his sis recently. I guess I didn’t stay at his house too long so didn’t have any conflict with them. It is really a good time for me.
She has already finalized her honeymoon trip to Korea. She has already finalized the trip to Kundasang before my wedding. I guess she has nothing to mess with me at the moment. I have peace. ^^ It’s even better if she already read my blog then in future she knows how to be a better person and also respect me for who I am and without her messing with my life…I will have a good one. *winks*
I meet one of my best friend last Saturday for a drink. We had a really long chat. I was so happy to relieve most of my stress after talking to her. I also went to Shennanigan’s Saturday night with him and friends. I also enjoyed the night and had a good drink. I was in a very good mood. We didn’t had any special topic until when he send me home. He suddenly mentioned about his sis again~! He mentioned few things that bring back my anger again. The moment before I step out from the car, we’re still arguing about it. I was a bit dizzy with the liquor we had at the Pub, and I clean up myself and was so so so unhappy about the conversation. Everytime we talked about her or his mum, it would make me so angry. I don’t know where to release it. I made a very angry status comment in Facebook before I went to sleep and left it there until Sunday night before clearing it. If she did check her Facebook on Sunday, I’m sure she will see it. But who cares…I just want to release my pressure and anger.
Today is 1st of the month. In another two more weeks I’m going to be married~! I started to be so excited and so looking forward to the good times I’m going to spend with my beloved friends. As for the actual day event, I just wished it’s faster over~ I really want to rest my mind with all the hectic, argument and conflicts. I want to start my new life and career as soon as possible. I’m praying everyday that the honeymoon will be a good one. I wish there won’t be more worse argument about the honeymoon after the wedding. *sigh* Pray that everything’s fine and smooth.
I think I won’t have a chance to go Sandakan or Tawau before my wedding. I’m so sad. I so missed my friends in Tawau. I so wish to go relax and enjoy just for a short period of time, I’m also satisfied. He keeps telling me we don’t have time to go but we have finish most of the things in KK. He also tells me we need to save more for the wedding…going to Sandakan and Tawau will costs us more expenses. I have nothing to say. =( How much can we spend for a trip? We already missed the KL trip. Since he and his whole family is going to Kundasang also. How come he just can’t give me some happy moments? Even if we travel to Sandakan and Tawau he still can do his business. It’s not that we’re just going for holidays. I know I don’t have work, I know I haven’t earn my own money yet, I have no right to stand firm where I want to go…I’m still spending his money. But recently his money and expenses are indirectly bear by me. He’s using the amount of money that he asked me to invest and now he’s stuck with the stocks and not even going to do his sales. He’s like sleeping half day everyday and in the afternoon doing some arrangements with me then it’s called another day. I just don’t understand why.
Right after the wedding, I want to concentrate on work. I must make sure he earn back the money I loan to him. I must make sure I keep my OWN savings. In future, I will have my own money to use. I have more rights in deciding where I want to go and what I want to do. Now even having a drink with friend or relatives also need his permission. =.= He’s so worried I overspend when I go out with them. *sweat* Everything will be over soon in two weeks time. I’m waiting to enjoy this two weekends. =)
I guess that’s all for today. It’s 12:50am now. I’m so tired. I want to take a good rest. It’s a brand new day tomorrow~ =)
I haven’t been blogging for a week. I have been busy with buying of things for his room, helping him write invitation cards, finalizing the payments of several things and also meeting two of my friends for a drink. Today’s blog is also a better story compare to last few weeks. I have not met his mum and also his sis recently. I guess I didn’t stay at his house too long so didn’t have any conflict with them. It is really a good time for me.
She has already finalized her honeymoon trip to Korea. She has already finalized the trip to Kundasang before my wedding. I guess she has nothing to mess with me at the moment. I have peace. ^^ It’s even better if she already read my blog then in future she knows how to be a better person and also respect me for who I am and without her messing with my life…I will have a good one. *winks*
I meet one of my best friend last Saturday for a drink. We had a really long chat. I was so happy to relieve most of my stress after talking to her. I also went to Shennanigan’s Saturday night with him and friends. I also enjoyed the night and had a good drink. I was in a very good mood. We didn’t had any special topic until when he send me home. He suddenly mentioned about his sis again~! He mentioned few things that bring back my anger again. The moment before I step out from the car, we’re still arguing about it. I was a bit dizzy with the liquor we had at the Pub, and I clean up myself and was so so so unhappy about the conversation. Everytime we talked about her or his mum, it would make me so angry. I don’t know where to release it. I made a very angry status comment in Facebook before I went to sleep and left it there until Sunday night before clearing it. If she did check her Facebook on Sunday, I’m sure she will see it. But who cares…I just want to release my pressure and anger.
Today is 1st of the month. In another two more weeks I’m going to be married~! I started to be so excited and so looking forward to the good times I’m going to spend with my beloved friends. As for the actual day event, I just wished it’s faster over~ I really want to rest my mind with all the hectic, argument and conflicts. I want to start my new life and career as soon as possible. I’m praying everyday that the honeymoon will be a good one. I wish there won’t be more worse argument about the honeymoon after the wedding. *sigh* Pray that everything’s fine and smooth.
I think I won’t have a chance to go Sandakan or Tawau before my wedding. I’m so sad. I so missed my friends in Tawau. I so wish to go relax and enjoy just for a short period of time, I’m also satisfied. He keeps telling me we don’t have time to go but we have finish most of the things in KK. He also tells me we need to save more for the wedding…going to Sandakan and Tawau will costs us more expenses. I have nothing to say. =( How much can we spend for a trip? We already missed the KL trip. Since he and his whole family is going to Kundasang also. How come he just can’t give me some happy moments? Even if we travel to Sandakan and Tawau he still can do his business. It’s not that we’re just going for holidays. I know I don’t have work, I know I haven’t earn my own money yet, I have no right to stand firm where I want to go…I’m still spending his money. But recently his money and expenses are indirectly bear by me. He’s using the amount of money that he asked me to invest and now he’s stuck with the stocks and not even going to do his sales. He’s like sleeping half day everyday and in the afternoon doing some arrangements with me then it’s called another day. I just don’t understand why.
Right after the wedding, I want to concentrate on work. I must make sure he earn back the money I loan to him. I must make sure I keep my OWN savings. In future, I will have my own money to use. I have more rights in deciding where I want to go and what I want to do. Now even having a drink with friend or relatives also need his permission. =.= He’s so worried I overspend when I go out with them. *sweat* Everything will be over soon in two weeks time. I’m waiting to enjoy this two weekends. =)
I guess that’s all for today. It’s 12:50am now. I’m so tired. I want to take a good rest. It’s a brand new day tomorrow~ =)
Thursday, August 26, 2010
My prayer is answered today
It’s 1:55am now.
It’s earlier today that I decided to blog. Finally today’s blog is fresh. It’s not only sad, worries and anger. How I wish it’s like this every other day in my life~ =) Thanks GOD for answering my prayer today ^^
I went to lunch with him as usual and then back to his house to finish painting his room. Today the painting works are finally done for his room. We have also done the tinting of the room windows. Now his room looks much more cosy and comfortable. Hopefully things will be fine when I moved in to stay there. =)
When I reach his house today, I didn’t see his sis’s car parked there. I was so happy. I thought she didn’t give tuition today. But was disappointed when I stepped into the house and heard her voice when we open his bro’s room door. And I thought it’s ok…Hope things are not as bad as I feel…I remained calm and walk up to his room preparing myself for helping him finish the painting.
It was a really hot afternoon and his room has windows on both sides of the wall. It was so hot and stuffy in there. I didn’t think much and started to do what I’m supposed to help. He started to chit chat with me. He told me one of his friend called him last night to confirm whether he needs any help on the eve of our wedding day as he needs to apply leave earlier. =) He told me that he’s so happy to have such a good friend. Suddenly this wicked thought came to my mind…this is my chance to hint him about his sis ;p I told him “Yea~ this is what we called good friends~ Unlike some people who only knows how to always talk talk talk and comment comment comment but in the end nothing is done…” He quickly agreed and asked me who I was referring to. I keep quiet and continue with my work. I didn’t answer him. He asked for few times and I didn’t bother to reply so he didn’t continued asking and we change topic. I wish he get who I mean. ^^ Sorry GOD~ please forgive me for the evil thought and doings…I suddenly had the urge to do… ;p
After a while she came in bringing in their nephew. She came in and look around and asked “Only this have been done…is this consider finished…?” OMG~ I feel that she’s really looking down on her own bro. If she doesn’t want to respect me as her future sis-in-law…I don’t mind~!!! Who Cares?!?! But that is her own brother…how can she always show no respect when talking to him…? She knew we don’t have the ability to have our own house…she always love to give sarcastic comments to her brother. I feel hurt hearing her comments but I guess he is used to it… He won’t feel that she’s hurting him. He’ll only thinks she’s like that. How I wish she grows up!!! As a teacher…only one year younger than me…grow up in a family of 4 brothers and sisters…she’s way TOO not well-mannered~!!! Compared to friends I know who grew up as an only child in the family and also a teacher…is having really good personality and manners~!!! I so hope she could read my blog and get to know that I really cannot get along with her. I so wish she realised all these and stop acting being good and messing with my life~
Surprisingly she only came in to disturb us just for one time today! =) She left at 4:30pm. I was so so so happy she left. But who knows she came back again around 9:30pm. I feel irritated and shiver once I heard her voice in the living room although I didn’t manage to see her at night. She really gives me a bad impression and my feelings towards her are never good. I keep praying to GOD everytime to give me a guidance and patience when dealing with her. Until today, we did not have big fights or arguments yet so Amen~ ^^
His father came in to help us when we tinting the windows. His dad is a funny man. He’s understanding and talks and thinks logically. He’s not as fussy compared to his wife. So far until today…at least I can survive having his dad around. =) We joke and he helps us mostly throughout the tinting process. He even told us he scolded their maid last week for not cleaning our room properly all the while. I didn’t think it was a big deal but then he said he’s the boss…he employed her to take care of the whole house and not only his eldest son’s room. He even mentioned that his sis-in-law must have said something to the maid so the maid only cleans their room thoroughly and not others especially our room. It’s obviously dirty most of the time. ;p He said he’s paying her so everything done must be fair~ =) I guess everyone in the family thinks that their sis-in-law is a very tough person to communicate with. Anyway, I haven’t been officially in the family yet, I have no comments~ =)
I just pray that my life is happy and peaceful with him. I have my own career. We maintain a good relationship. And most important not to let those two EVILS affect our relationship~!!! My aim of life is simple…I don’t pray for extreme rich or happy…I just want simple and peaceful life…I’m so looking forward to meeting and enjoying with my friends soon~ ^^ I’m so looking forward to have my own career after wedding. I want to work and travel~!!! =)
Well…this blog ends happily today…I guess I can sleep well tonight~ I wish I can sleep well every night and stay peaceful everyday~ ^^
It’s earlier today that I decided to blog. Finally today’s blog is fresh. It’s not only sad, worries and anger. How I wish it’s like this every other day in my life~ =) Thanks GOD for answering my prayer today ^^
I went to lunch with him as usual and then back to his house to finish painting his room. Today the painting works are finally done for his room. We have also done the tinting of the room windows. Now his room looks much more cosy and comfortable. Hopefully things will be fine when I moved in to stay there. =)
When I reach his house today, I didn’t see his sis’s car parked there. I was so happy. I thought she didn’t give tuition today. But was disappointed when I stepped into the house and heard her voice when we open his bro’s room door. And I thought it’s ok…Hope things are not as bad as I feel…I remained calm and walk up to his room preparing myself for helping him finish the painting.
It was a really hot afternoon and his room has windows on both sides of the wall. It was so hot and stuffy in there. I didn’t think much and started to do what I’m supposed to help. He started to chit chat with me. He told me one of his friend called him last night to confirm whether he needs any help on the eve of our wedding day as he needs to apply leave earlier. =) He told me that he’s so happy to have such a good friend. Suddenly this wicked thought came to my mind…this is my chance to hint him about his sis ;p I told him “Yea~ this is what we called good friends~ Unlike some people who only knows how to always talk talk talk and comment comment comment but in the end nothing is done…” He quickly agreed and asked me who I was referring to. I keep quiet and continue with my work. I didn’t answer him. He asked for few times and I didn’t bother to reply so he didn’t continued asking and we change topic. I wish he get who I mean. ^^ Sorry GOD~ please forgive me for the evil thought and doings…I suddenly had the urge to do… ;p
After a while she came in bringing in their nephew. She came in and look around and asked “Only this have been done…is this consider finished…?” OMG~ I feel that she’s really looking down on her own bro. If she doesn’t want to respect me as her future sis-in-law…I don’t mind~!!! Who Cares?!?! But that is her own brother…how can she always show no respect when talking to him…? She knew we don’t have the ability to have our own house…she always love to give sarcastic comments to her brother. I feel hurt hearing her comments but I guess he is used to it… He won’t feel that she’s hurting him. He’ll only thinks she’s like that. How I wish she grows up!!! As a teacher…only one year younger than me…grow up in a family of 4 brothers and sisters…she’s way TOO not well-mannered~!!! Compared to friends I know who grew up as an only child in the family and also a teacher…is having really good personality and manners~!!! I so hope she could read my blog and get to know that I really cannot get along with her. I so wish she realised all these and stop acting being good and messing with my life~
Surprisingly she only came in to disturb us just for one time today! =) She left at 4:30pm. I was so so so happy she left. But who knows she came back again around 9:30pm. I feel irritated and shiver once I heard her voice in the living room although I didn’t manage to see her at night. She really gives me a bad impression and my feelings towards her are never good. I keep praying to GOD everytime to give me a guidance and patience when dealing with her. Until today, we did not have big fights or arguments yet so Amen~ ^^
His father came in to help us when we tinting the windows. His dad is a funny man. He’s understanding and talks and thinks logically. He’s not as fussy compared to his wife. So far until today…at least I can survive having his dad around. =) We joke and he helps us mostly throughout the tinting process. He even told us he scolded their maid last week for not cleaning our room properly all the while. I didn’t think it was a big deal but then he said he’s the boss…he employed her to take care of the whole house and not only his eldest son’s room. He even mentioned that his sis-in-law must have said something to the maid so the maid only cleans their room thoroughly and not others especially our room. It’s obviously dirty most of the time. ;p He said he’s paying her so everything done must be fair~ =) I guess everyone in the family thinks that their sis-in-law is a very tough person to communicate with. Anyway, I haven’t been officially in the family yet, I have no comments~ =)
I just pray that my life is happy and peaceful with him. I have my own career. We maintain a good relationship. And most important not to let those two EVILS affect our relationship~!!! My aim of life is simple…I don’t pray for extreme rich or happy…I just want simple and peaceful life…I’m so looking forward to meeting and enjoying with my friends soon~ ^^ I’m so looking forward to have my own career after wedding. I want to work and travel~!!! =)
Well…this blog ends happily today…I guess I can sleep well tonight~ I wish I can sleep well every night and stay peaceful everyday~ ^^
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I wish I had more happy things to blog about
It’s another 4:10am in the morning.
I always have sleepless nights nowadays. I’m so frustrated and moody easily during the day when I’m lack of sleep *sigh* but I just can’t seem to sleep well at night *sob This few days have been a not so bad days for me. After the super long email to my best friends, I didn’t go through a rough time. I went shopping with a friend of mine last week. I was so happy I finally bought my “Zim Cha” dress and also a perfectly fitted evening gown ^^ Most of my things have already been purchased and left with some which will still continue to search for it next week. I still have about 23 days left to the actual day. >.< How I wish I feel excited about it
GOD do answer my prayers! Thank you to my friends who have pray for me as well~ =) His dad have already managed to collect the payment from the project he’s doing and he will pay for his share. Phew~ I went to his house last week and his father asked us to give him the exact amount which we’re going to pay for the dinner…he told his dad and his dad wrote it down on a paper… The funny thing is his dad ONLY pays for his mum’s tables and he pays for his own tables (friends) and I pay for bride’s side. I just so don’t understand what’s the point of a MUST wedding dinner to be held with payments between shared and calculated so so so well~ I was surprise and curious with it. I’m not sure why his parents will do it like that. Or maybe~!! he did talk to his parents about insufficient money for the wedding dinner. If it were to be paid so so so equally…how come we still need a wedding dinner…? How come we don’t just go travel wedding…? How come they want people’s daughter to marry into their family BUT bride is paying for her own share? Since my parents are not even collecting their “Ping Jing” already…can’t they just be a bit more generous…? Why do they have to be so super extreme calculative? So it means in future my children use his/her own money to grow up? My children pays everything him/herself means their life has nothing to do with the family except there’s the “relationship” in their blood? What a weird family~!!! This is my first and also last time facing this kind of family. I’m not sure if this is called my “bad” luck life or just the time isn’t right for me to see their real point of life… >.<
Last weekend there’s MATTA FAIR here in Suria Sabah. I went there shopping with my friend but we didn’t go source for information…or can be considered as we didn’t even managed to step onto Ground Floor to go to the Fair. We were busy shopping in Metrojaya and other outlets at First Floor. I didn’t feel the urge or eager to go to the Fair either. I was thinking to save money and at least to past the wedding dinner before thinking of holiday plans…not to mentioned honeymoon, which I confirmed know that once mentioned means end up argument again~!!! I’m avoiding it all the while until Sunday~ When I woke up on Sunday afternoon…he told me he’ll pick me for lunch as usual and I thought we would go somewhere to look for wedding stuffs or just watch a movie or something. Ended up he told me he wanted to go MATTA FAIR…I was like =.= I know then that it won’t end up to be a good day again~ *sigh* We had lunch at Suria Sabah. I had a strong feeling that his sis would be there because he keeps telling me that his sis asked him to join their honeymoon trip to Korea. He is the kind of person who definitely WON'T asked me to go somewhere if his family or sis or friends are not around. That's why I knew there's confirmed something not so right there. Right after lunch, he quickly brought me to the Fair. Once I stepped into the entrance of the booth at the Fair…”Tah Dahh~!!!” there’s her sis is sitting right in front at one of the booths near the entrance…I didn’t noticed at first…I was busy looking at brochures and leaflets…then he poked me to look at his sis… Once I lifted my head to look…I saw his sis waving hardly and with a big grin asking us to go over and join them. I didn’t give a second thought and look away and continued looking at what I was looking. I know it’s not a good manners BUT I really cannot accept it…it’s my so normal reaction to do it.
I just don’t understand why his sis would want a 10 to 12 persons group trip as honeymoon~!!! Usually honeymoon are spend where the two newly weds enjoy themselves happily to the fullest without any friends along. They can join tour but not specially arranged with friends. *sweat* Those big group of tour with friends are called HOLIDAYS~!!! Can’t she just open her mind and think clearly…? Can she just stop thinking about saving money?!?! Wedding and Honeymoon is a once in a lifetime thing~!!! She already spoiled my whole wedding with her beloved mum and she still wants to happily continue spoiling my honeymoon~!!! Arghhh~!!! I just cannot stand it~!!! And he also keeps asking me whether I want to join or not…At first I don’t want to make the situation feels so weird…I just keep telling him that we don’t have so much money since we still need to pay for our loan…some more the wedding is not over. But his idiotic sis never gives up bugging us~!!! Every single day or two would come begging us to join their trip. And because of this…in the end I really couldn’t stand it anymore…I told him straight to the face that I don’t want to go to ANY holidays as long as involving his sis! I cannot click with her means I cannot~!!! I even gave him an example…he really don’t like one of my good friend…I told him what if I forced him to go holiday with them as well…what would he feel…how come he won’t just think how I feel…He kept quiet and said ok~ he won’t forced me…he just asked in case I feel like going we could join to save money…since that trip is actually joined by 5 newly wed couples from our Church…so lotsa expenses can be saved during the trip…I really want to bang my head on the wall real hard~!!! Whatever he do also he thinks of saving money and joining his sis…Whenever his sis manja him for something he will sure consider…Whenever his sis makes me angry he will avoid it and try to make me cool down and pray to GOD to forgive his sis for her behavior…WHAT am I to him?!?! Does he ever think that I’m going to be his wife?!?! Does he ever thinks that I will be going through the rest of my life with him instead of his sis and mum?!?!
I repeatedly told him again we will not know our budget ONLY after our wedding…we can’t think of honeymoon first…his sis still continues to bug us until today!!! He still hopes I would consider to join his sis. SHIT~!!! Now I’m starting to feel he loves his families more than me~!!! All the while this few years I feel he really loves me…BUT not now… *sob* I don’t want to think anymore…I just want to enjoy my life and earn money…I can’t said I don’t want to marry…my parents are not those open-minded people. They will feel very very sad if I were to turn them down at moments like now. They will think they are bad because they didn’t give a good example and didn’t teach their daughter well…and I end up being so irresponsible person. Because of them…I had to go on with life~
Last week we missed Cell Group meeting. I had a huge curiosity in my mind. The week before we attended the meeting and the topic was asking everyone of us to draw our family tree and also indicate the situation of relationship for the whole family tree no matter how many generations we have and we can know. The Cell Group Leader told us that last week was to bring the diagram to the meeting but we would not necessary to show others. It's just a guideline for us to break whatever curse there is in our family tree so that our generations now would live a better life. I don't really quite understand the whole reason behind it but I find it interesting as it would help my mum. During the Cell Group Meeting everyone would pray for the everyone's family, and especially if for those who could share their family history and it would helps more in breaking some curse or bad lucks. I purposely rush back from shopping to go Cell Group meeting. I never felt so eager before to look forward to go to that meeting. BUT when I reach his house...he said I shop till too late then he also said he don't want to go. I was like o.O I keep asking him how come he don't want to go...he couldn't give me a good reason. He just said it's late already. *sweat* There's times when his sis even reach the meeting about 2 hours late where the meeting almost ends. Now we're just like 30mins late. And the most surprising part is his sis was also in her home casual wear at his house. She also never intended to go in the first place after all. I also asked him how come his sis doesn't go. She always never missed this kinda activities. He keep avoiding and said he don't know and if I so want to know, I could go ask her myself. I was even more surprise!!! He asked me if I have finished drawing my family tree, I said mine can be done quite fast. I can do it while he drives to reach our destination. He said he didn't do his so better not to go. o.O But isn't he and his sis share the same family tree...? How come his sis didn't do as well? He will be unhappy if I ever find reasons and want to miss the Cell Group Meeting. His sis will insist to follow our car to go even if she didn't drive or her hubby is not free. BUT that day was really surprising!!! She is driving but both of the don't intend to go. They are just busy chatting in their house with their families when I reach!!! Do you think something's weird there? Do you think they are trying to hide something about their families? Do you think they don't want anyone to know their families history? His sis even emphasize during the meeting the week before that it is BEST to settle and clear all this bad "curse" before marriage. AND this week both of them escaped. I had no choice but to go home then~ >.<
This two days I have been going to his house and helping him re-paint his room. During these two days of painting…his sis keeps giving lotsa comments about lighting…colours and every other single thing in the room…there’s always something and somewhere she’ll be commenting. She’s always comparing every little thing in our room with her new apartment. I’m so pissed off with her. Can she just keep her mouth shut?!?! Can she just respect what other people like?!?! Being a teacher but with such an attitude…what a shame!!! His parents and elder brother do give comments as well…but they still ended their comments with “As long as you like…then no regrets…whatever we think nice or not is not important…” Doesn’t that sound more polite…?!?! She’s such a damn busybody idiot?!?! Can’t she just stay at her own house and mind her own business?!?! She just keeps coming in giving comments and never touch a single thing to help and just bullshits~!!! The whole time I was keeping quiet for the two days. Today I was too irritated with her and I told him to just finish the painting and not to bother some areas which can’t be seen after furniture placed in. He was not happy that I don’t put much effort or interest in his room. He just don’t understand how I feels. I’m all the while in the past 30 years living ONLY with my parents with not so much comments. He can stand his family’s comments and some of their disrespectfulness…BUT I cannot~!!! He cannot expect me to swallow everything from A-Z from his families!!!
I was too bored with just painting. I asked him all of a sudden “When can we get out own house?” He asked me what kind of house I’m aiming for. What kind of value. I said something like my parent’s ones or something smaller and cheaper. He asked me to wait 10 years. *big sweat* I said my house doesn’t costs a million, why need 10 years. He said house value will increase. Even his business prosper doesn’t mean he can buy me a house of that size or value in few years time. I was like ….. =.= Then I keep quiet. I was thinking in my mind. Ok~ I really need to earn my own money for my future~ *sigh* What a sad reply I heard~ I just hope he will at least tell me that he will try his best to get us a home no matter how instead of giving me such an answer~! =.=
*sigh* conclusion for this blog will be I don’t want to go honeymoon with that group of people and still…I have to earn my own money and have my own career~!!! I feel so bad…I so so so wish I have a much better life…I so so so wish he would appreciate me more!!! I guess this is my fate…this is my miserable life~ When I saw my friend’s or cousin’s photos and facebook…they all have wonderful life being with their other half. They are also newly weds. I really envy all of them and makes me feel more sad and miserable with my own life and more and more disappointed with him.
GOD~ please answer my prayers…please let him love and care and appreciate me more. Please wake him up to be like before. He's desperately changing so much now. I really don’t feel happy with my life now~! Amen~
I always have sleepless nights nowadays. I’m so frustrated and moody easily during the day when I’m lack of sleep *sigh* but I just can’t seem to sleep well at night *sob This few days have been a not so bad days for me. After the super long email to my best friends, I didn’t go through a rough time. I went shopping with a friend of mine last week. I was so happy I finally bought my “Zim Cha” dress and also a perfectly fitted evening gown ^^ Most of my things have already been purchased and left with some which will still continue to search for it next week. I still have about 23 days left to the actual day. >.< How I wish I feel excited about it
GOD do answer my prayers! Thank you to my friends who have pray for me as well~ =) His dad have already managed to collect the payment from the project he’s doing and he will pay for his share. Phew~ I went to his house last week and his father asked us to give him the exact amount which we’re going to pay for the dinner…he told his dad and his dad wrote it down on a paper… The funny thing is his dad ONLY pays for his mum’s tables and he pays for his own tables (friends) and I pay for bride’s side. I just so don’t understand what’s the point of a MUST wedding dinner to be held with payments between shared and calculated so so so well~ I was surprise and curious with it. I’m not sure why his parents will do it like that. Or maybe~!! he did talk to his parents about insufficient money for the wedding dinner. If it were to be paid so so so equally…how come we still need a wedding dinner…? How come we don’t just go travel wedding…? How come they want people’s daughter to marry into their family BUT bride is paying for her own share? Since my parents are not even collecting their “Ping Jing” already…can’t they just be a bit more generous…? Why do they have to be so super extreme calculative? So it means in future my children use his/her own money to grow up? My children pays everything him/herself means their life has nothing to do with the family except there’s the “relationship” in their blood? What a weird family~!!! This is my first and also last time facing this kind of family. I’m not sure if this is called my “bad” luck life or just the time isn’t right for me to see their real point of life… >.<
Last weekend there’s MATTA FAIR here in Suria Sabah. I went there shopping with my friend but we didn’t go source for information…or can be considered as we didn’t even managed to step onto Ground Floor to go to the Fair. We were busy shopping in Metrojaya and other outlets at First Floor. I didn’t feel the urge or eager to go to the Fair either. I was thinking to save money and at least to past the wedding dinner before thinking of holiday plans…not to mentioned honeymoon, which I confirmed know that once mentioned means end up argument again~!!! I’m avoiding it all the while until Sunday~ When I woke up on Sunday afternoon…he told me he’ll pick me for lunch as usual and I thought we would go somewhere to look for wedding stuffs or just watch a movie or something. Ended up he told me he wanted to go MATTA FAIR…I was like =.= I know then that it won’t end up to be a good day again~ *sigh* We had lunch at Suria Sabah. I had a strong feeling that his sis would be there because he keeps telling me that his sis asked him to join their honeymoon trip to Korea. He is the kind of person who definitely WON'T asked me to go somewhere if his family or sis or friends are not around. That's why I knew there's confirmed something not so right there. Right after lunch, he quickly brought me to the Fair. Once I stepped into the entrance of the booth at the Fair…”Tah Dahh~!!!” there’s her sis is sitting right in front at one of the booths near the entrance…I didn’t noticed at first…I was busy looking at brochures and leaflets…then he poked me to look at his sis… Once I lifted my head to look…I saw his sis waving hardly and with a big grin asking us to go over and join them. I didn’t give a second thought and look away and continued looking at what I was looking. I know it’s not a good manners BUT I really cannot accept it…it’s my so normal reaction to do it.
I just don’t understand why his sis would want a 10 to 12 persons group trip as honeymoon~!!! Usually honeymoon are spend where the two newly weds enjoy themselves happily to the fullest without any friends along. They can join tour but not specially arranged with friends. *sweat* Those big group of tour with friends are called HOLIDAYS~!!! Can’t she just open her mind and think clearly…? Can she just stop thinking about saving money?!?! Wedding and Honeymoon is a once in a lifetime thing~!!! She already spoiled my whole wedding with her beloved mum and she still wants to happily continue spoiling my honeymoon~!!! Arghhh~!!! I just cannot stand it~!!! And he also keeps asking me whether I want to join or not…At first I don’t want to make the situation feels so weird…I just keep telling him that we don’t have so much money since we still need to pay for our loan…some more the wedding is not over. But his idiotic sis never gives up bugging us~!!! Every single day or two would come begging us to join their trip. And because of this…in the end I really couldn’t stand it anymore…I told him straight to the face that I don’t want to go to ANY holidays as long as involving his sis! I cannot click with her means I cannot~!!! I even gave him an example…he really don’t like one of my good friend…I told him what if I forced him to go holiday with them as well…what would he feel…how come he won’t just think how I feel…He kept quiet and said ok~ he won’t forced me…he just asked in case I feel like going we could join to save money…since that trip is actually joined by 5 newly wed couples from our Church…so lotsa expenses can be saved during the trip…I really want to bang my head on the wall real hard~!!! Whatever he do also he thinks of saving money and joining his sis…Whenever his sis manja him for something he will sure consider…Whenever his sis makes me angry he will avoid it and try to make me cool down and pray to GOD to forgive his sis for her behavior…WHAT am I to him?!?! Does he ever think that I’m going to be his wife?!?! Does he ever thinks that I will be going through the rest of my life with him instead of his sis and mum?!?!
I repeatedly told him again we will not know our budget ONLY after our wedding…we can’t think of honeymoon first…his sis still continues to bug us until today!!! He still hopes I would consider to join his sis. SHIT~!!! Now I’m starting to feel he loves his families more than me~!!! All the while this few years I feel he really loves me…BUT not now… *sob* I don’t want to think anymore…I just want to enjoy my life and earn money…I can’t said I don’t want to marry…my parents are not those open-minded people. They will feel very very sad if I were to turn them down at moments like now. They will think they are bad because they didn’t give a good example and didn’t teach their daughter well…and I end up being so irresponsible person. Because of them…I had to go on with life~
Last week we missed Cell Group meeting. I had a huge curiosity in my mind. The week before we attended the meeting and the topic was asking everyone of us to draw our family tree and also indicate the situation of relationship for the whole family tree no matter how many generations we have and we can know. The Cell Group Leader told us that last week was to bring the diagram to the meeting but we would not necessary to show others. It's just a guideline for us to break whatever curse there is in our family tree so that our generations now would live a better life. I don't really quite understand the whole reason behind it but I find it interesting as it would help my mum. During the Cell Group Meeting everyone would pray for the everyone's family, and especially if for those who could share their family history and it would helps more in breaking some curse or bad lucks. I purposely rush back from shopping to go Cell Group meeting. I never felt so eager before to look forward to go to that meeting. BUT when I reach his house...he said I shop till too late then he also said he don't want to go. I was like o.O I keep asking him how come he don't want to go...he couldn't give me a good reason. He just said it's late already. *sweat* There's times when his sis even reach the meeting about 2 hours late where the meeting almost ends. Now we're just like 30mins late. And the most surprising part is his sis was also in her home casual wear at his house. She also never intended to go in the first place after all. I also asked him how come his sis doesn't go. She always never missed this kinda activities. He keep avoiding and said he don't know and if I so want to know, I could go ask her myself. I was even more surprise!!! He asked me if I have finished drawing my family tree, I said mine can be done quite fast. I can do it while he drives to reach our destination. He said he didn't do his so better not to go. o.O But isn't he and his sis share the same family tree...? How come his sis didn't do as well? He will be unhappy if I ever find reasons and want to miss the Cell Group Meeting. His sis will insist to follow our car to go even if she didn't drive or her hubby is not free. BUT that day was really surprising!!! She is driving but both of the don't intend to go. They are just busy chatting in their house with their families when I reach!!! Do you think something's weird there? Do you think they are trying to hide something about their families? Do you think they don't want anyone to know their families history? His sis even emphasize during the meeting the week before that it is BEST to settle and clear all this bad "curse" before marriage. AND this week both of them escaped. I had no choice but to go home then~ >.<
This two days I have been going to his house and helping him re-paint his room. During these two days of painting…his sis keeps giving lotsa comments about lighting…colours and every other single thing in the room…there’s always something and somewhere she’ll be commenting. She’s always comparing every little thing in our room with her new apartment. I’m so pissed off with her. Can she just keep her mouth shut?!?! Can she just respect what other people like?!?! Being a teacher but with such an attitude…what a shame!!! His parents and elder brother do give comments as well…but they still ended their comments with “As long as you like…then no regrets…whatever we think nice or not is not important…” Doesn’t that sound more polite…?!?! She’s such a damn busybody idiot?!?! Can’t she just stay at her own house and mind her own business?!?! She just keeps coming in giving comments and never touch a single thing to help and just bullshits~!!! The whole time I was keeping quiet for the two days. Today I was too irritated with her and I told him to just finish the painting and not to bother some areas which can’t be seen after furniture placed in. He was not happy that I don’t put much effort or interest in his room. He just don’t understand how I feels. I’m all the while in the past 30 years living ONLY with my parents with not so much comments. He can stand his family’s comments and some of their disrespectfulness…BUT I cannot~!!! He cannot expect me to swallow everything from A-Z from his families!!!
I was too bored with just painting. I asked him all of a sudden “When can we get out own house?” He asked me what kind of house I’m aiming for. What kind of value. I said something like my parent’s ones or something smaller and cheaper. He asked me to wait 10 years. *big sweat* I said my house doesn’t costs a million, why need 10 years. He said house value will increase. Even his business prosper doesn’t mean he can buy me a house of that size or value in few years time. I was like ….. =.= Then I keep quiet. I was thinking in my mind. Ok~ I really need to earn my own money for my future~ *sigh* What a sad reply I heard~ I just hope he will at least tell me that he will try his best to get us a home no matter how instead of giving me such an answer~! =.=
*sigh* conclusion for this blog will be I don’t want to go honeymoon with that group of people and still…I have to earn my own money and have my own career~!!! I feel so bad…I so so so wish I have a much better life…I so so so wish he would appreciate me more!!! I guess this is my fate…this is my miserable life~ When I saw my friend’s or cousin’s photos and facebook…they all have wonderful life being with their other half. They are also newly weds. I really envy all of them and makes me feel more sad and miserable with my own life and more and more disappointed with him.
GOD~ please answer my prayers…please let him love and care and appreciate me more. Please wake him up to be like before. He's desperately changing so much now. I really don’t feel happy with my life now~! Amen~
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Something I shared with my best friends
Thank you so so so much for the advice and support in sms and email. I feel so much better after receiving the replies. I think I don’t have much of my closest friends here in KK. Whenever I am so down or unhappy I don’t have people to share with me. The closest friends I used to have are either already married with children or very far away in Australia, which I’m not so convenient to share much with her too. Unlike few years ago where I can enjoy and spend more time with those closer friends.
Last week I went through a terrible time. I think it’s because both families have different point of view in weddings and MOST important part is that we don’t have the money. It doesn’t turn out to be what I think or plan because when he first propose to me, it’s still way TOO early and we thought that long period of time we could save even more for a wonderful happy wedding. As times goes by, we tend to use up our money somehow somewhere. I remember I spend partially during the Taiwan trip but that doesn’t affect us at all. Thinking back the one that affect us the most are the two friends that he employed for his business and the shop unit that we purchased not long ago. Sigh~
I still remember last year when he proposed, we went to open a joint savings account and we managed to save roughly about 4k within 6 months if I’m not wrong. That time we still afford to save and spend on daily living expenses even when I’m not working. When his two friends started to join the company right after we’re back from Taiwan then the money starts to decrease slowly. At first we didn’t notice until almost middle of the year and he can’t sustain anymore. He discussed with me and asked if I could go look for a job to cover my expenses for the time being. I agreed as well since I know we need to save more in order to have a better wedding. We even have a budget lists and state down the whole wedding expenses. At that time, we’re still able to afford at least a minimum wedding dinner to be at Shangrila Tanjung Aru. I was happy even I had to sacrifice my pre-wedding photography to be taken in KK.
I then started to work in June at Suria Sabah. As months past, he started to find that no matter how he worked, he can’t see the profits from his business. No matter I cover my own expenses or not, he still finds that his monthly income is insufficient. We didn’t realized it then so we thought we spend more on eating out or buying unnecessary things. Until November, he finally calculated our budget for the wedding and find that we really cannot cover already if we need to hold the dinner at Shangrila Tanjung Aru. Some more his sis and mum are EVILS! They are always brain washing him and sucking his money like vampire sucking blood. *sweat* I was so so so damn pissed off the day when we went to paid the deposit at Promenade Hotel. The afternoon when I’m back home, I straightaway went to delete the mywedding.com account that I have created for us. I was really really down. I feel my whole heart and soul goes down the drain. I never felt so bad ever~ I can sacrifice everything but I really can’t accept it when we had to change the venue. *sob* He convince and comfort me that time saying that there’s a huge difference in the amount for the two venues. I was mad for quite sometime. He had to promise me that he will bring me to a better honeymoon, minimum limit will be going to Korea.
I still couldn’t get over it then but I tried to think positive. It really IS a huge difference for the total price in the two different venues. I slowly pray and tried to focus more on other things. I took few months to really put everything down. That time I was working. I focus more of my time at work and spending happy hour times with my colleagues *winks* My days and months past through lotsa lotsa ups and downs. I was always the one giving in to lotsa small or big details, just hoping that our wedding will be a simple, happy and peaceful one. I really didn’t put hope in it at all right after November last year.
BUT I never ever think that until today, things have turned out to be that worst. I know he’s the kind of ego person. When I knew him for the first day, I already knew that he is a very egoistic and stubborn thinking guy. So far, back then I know he really love me…he really does and he gives me the kind of secure feeling where he won’t be unfaithful to me. That is why when he proposed, I accepted. He is still faithful to me so far till now. He still let me know where he goes and what he do everytime. He still worries if I were to drive out alone or going somewhere alone to do some errands. During this few weeks, our attitude and behavior kinda changed. I have been much much more moody. He have been not so understanding and caring. I have this insecure feeling. I’m very very worried that I have made the wrong choice…made the wrong decision and after marriage he will be unfaithful to me. Like those Chinese sayings “Before marriage he treats you like treasure, After marriage he treats you like grass”. I really think over and over again myself during the past few weeks. He is good and understanding whenever his family people are not around. He never makes me angry or unhappy whenever his families are not around to comment or anything. He lets me decides everything I like. Once his family is around to discuss or share something or just simple family conversation, it really got me on nerves. Every single time also makes me angry, moody or unhappy. I really cannot stand his mum and sis. He always have no says when the both of them talked...I always get mad and lose control when facing those two idiots! Those two are the ones that makes our relationship gets worse and worse recently~!
Some more my parents are not those “open” type of person where I can change my decision last minute now. When I just informed my parents that I’m getting married and the few months nearer to his sis’s wedding, I also faced lotsa lotsa problems with his family and I only talk about it to my parents. They did asked me to think properly and the best solutions for me is to stay with them right after my marriage. I didn’t feel so worst that time since he still didn’t change much, it’s only his family members that are giving me all those hassle and problems.
Until the most recent case which makes me feel terrible are the meeting up and discussion of marriage details between my two aunts, my father and his parents. That is when our relationship gets worse and worse. =( I thought we could use the trip to KL which is supposed to be today to build up our relationship and at least clear our mind from all those unhappiness BUT his mum is again giving us lotsa lotsa problems on the little details of our wedding at this last minute time. She strongly INSISTED for 45 tables + my 10 tables + her son’s 5 tables. She even wanted to extend till 50 tables. She still makes noise and complaining everyday that she still got more people she didn’t manage to invite and always asked if we have any unconfirmed guests which we can cancel and give her the seats. DAMN!!! I’m not pissed off with her too many invitations…BUT…I’m so damn angry with her attitude! We already told her we don’t have so much money, that’s why we change from Shangrila Tanjung Aru to Promenade!!! She said her husband will pay for the groom’s side. Now that his father came and discuss with us personally saying that he has insufficient money because the project that he does has not release payment to him yet. So we went to ask her to cancel some tables which is not really so necessary because we have insufficient money. She said her husband never told her he had insufficient money, she said her husband told her to go ahead only, no problem on money side. *big sweat* and so she don’t care, she won’t cancel any!!!
Indirectly saying the whole dinner is actually paid by US and we don’t have a say in anything!!! Previously when we paid down payment for the shop unit, his father told us that he pay for us as a gift for our wedding. Last month he asked us to pay him back and he will gift us other things. Then he said he will buy us a mattress. So the money we are supposed to save for our honeymoon had to be paid back to his father. After paying back, now he said he still has insufficient money because of the late payment from the project and we had to come out with another amount of money. Now that after the meeting up and discussion with my aunts regarding the “Gor Dai Lai” process, his mum make a big fuss and mentioned that our family are superstitious and she have never done this for her eldest son and her daughter! So what?!?! She never does…doesn’t mean she cannot do it now! “Gor Dai Lai” is a very very simple and basic traditions to be done and its suppose to be a happy process. She make a big fuss and show a sour face right after the discussion and the days till now. She keeps emphasize that this is not necessary and a waste of money. Excuse Me!!! The whole process costs less than RM300…what does she expect?!?! During the discussion, my aunt talks about our family and she found out that my aunt’s best friend is her classmate before. I heard from my aunt that she is very afraid of that classmate of hers because whenever she does anything not right, that classmate will make her lose face as that person has a high reputation. My aunt told her that nowadays “Ping Jing” is kinda high as things nowadays have increased in prices compared to few years ago. My cousin just got married December last year, and my aunt told her that her son-in-law gave RM8888 and it’s consider an ok amount. Her face was sour and now whenever we talk about money, she will said our family asks for too high amount, we’re those money-minded people! DAMN!!! The day before “Gor Dai Lai” she asked her son to come and request me and my parents not to inform my aunt about the “Ping Jing” amount as what is given to me is less than her eldest son and her daughter ones. She said very loudly to my aunt that she will give minimum of 5k but now only 1888 is given to me! Her reason is that she don’t want to lose face! The afternoon my parents got the money, that evening it was returned to her son. My parents already mentioned in the first place that they are not selling their daughters, they hope I will be treated good in their family and also both of us younger ones to be happy forever.
Until today, she still make a fuss over lotsa lotsa small details in our wedding. The whole wedding as if belongs to her and not to us!!! Not only she wants us to pay this pay that, she even already confirmed the lunch menu for RM1700…and she said she will only paid RM600 as the rest will be bear by us!!! WTH!!! Can she at least discussed with us first?!?! There’s so much more things that she confirmed without our acknowledgement and asked us to pay!
As for the loan, I so so so so regretted I told him about it. Do you know how he convinced me into giving him the money? I guess this is all under his plans. When I told him about the loan, he was surprised at first and when I explained to him that it’s just my luck and GOD gave me a savior and answered my prayers. He then has no questions about it. He doesn’t seem to mind about it at all. I thought he was so open-minded and generous. I never ever think that today more than half of my money goes to him. *big big sweat* At first he asked me not to put the whole amount I loan to settle my debts as I might have difficulty to re-pay since I’m not working and I still need to use for daily living expenses. He asked me to put 10k into his business and he helps me to earn profits within 1 year so I could re-pay back the total amount as soon as possible. He explained to me that every month he could help me earn around 1k so within 24 months I could re-pay back a more than half the amount already. I trusted him. I’m left with 23k. I thought I could settle all my debts with the balance I have. Few days after that, we need to make payment for our bedroom furniture in order for them to deliver. He told me his money is stuck at the stocks on hand. He needs to loan from me first. I paid 4k for the furnitures. At first he said he would paid partially for the bride’s tables since the “Ping Jing” is so little. And out of the blue, he have to paid for his groom’s side because his father has insufficient amount and the lunch that his idiot mum ordered! I had to pay back my own balance of 5.5k. I’m left with 13.5k. I paid back the debts I owe my mum of 6k. I’m left with 6k to cover my personal debts. The ones I settled previously have been gone to him. I’m left with 1.5k cash on hand. He still wants me to pay for my make-up artists, wedding cake and other smaller things that need to be purchased. Not to mention my own bag, dress, personal items etc etc etc…I was thinking if i didn't tell him...everything will also turn out the same and I think he will be able to come out with the money...His family has so many people whereas compared to mine only three of us...I'm sure they are able to sort out the financial problems lor hor...? Sigh~
For a single moment, I even thought he already had an agreement with his parents not to come out with so much money because I have a big amount of loan. I really couldn’t stand it anymore. I voice out to him and said I’m not the kind of girl who spends a lot of wasting a lot of money. I have already saved to my maximum just to cover for my wedding. My tables in the wedding have been cut to 9 tables already now. The dinner menu have been cut to RM700 per table. His mum already agreed to give us 2 tables…means I’ll be paying for 7 tables! I don’t have any “Ping Jing”…he doesn’t pay for bride’s table. All those small details his mum confirmed are paid by us. I’m only left with 1.5k to spend and I still need to use it for my own spendings. I still need money to enjoy with my friends before my wedding. I hope the whole plan isn’t what I think it is. I just hopes he didn’t do anything like that. I hope he is sincerely poor because of his idiot mum & sis giving millions of comments and suggestions! Those he owe me, he promised to pay me back after the wedding and I hope its true~ I just pray he won’t give me excuses again! I was so mad and moody because indirectly I’m paying a huge amount for the whole process and I don’t have a chance to arrange something I like! After voicing out to him, yesterday he told me he will tried to give me back 2k to buy my stuffs and whatever I need to use it for. I really hope everything’s not what I think it is. He’s a holy Christian. His family is a holy Christian. I have to trust him for now. I did inform my aunts on the updates and happenings. They advise me to be humble and since his mum is not too over the limit, they ask me to try to tahan her. This is also better for my future life in his family. If anything that she's gone over the limits, they will find ways to negotiate with her. Only one thing I can feel is that his mum is really afraid of my aunts. She bullies me & my parents because my father is not educated and my mum's health condition is so unhealthy. She bullies my parents till the maximum! I just so hate his mum and sis so so so much!!! I seldom showed in my expression but I can feel he knows. I have indirectly voice out to him few times, he kinda got my signal~
After this super extreme long email, you might think I’m over too soft kind of person to trust him easily hor…? Sigh~ I’m this kind of person. Some more now I have been converted to be Christian and I have to put faith in my prayer and GOD. I’m not sure if I will have a happy life with him in future. But I’m just a simple girl who just hopes he will be faithful to me for the rest of his life. I don’t mind he’s poor or he’s ego and stubborn, I only hope and wish he is faithful and honest to me~ I get to know and meet lotsa other guys. Most of them will tend to be unfaithful after sometime in relationship. Most of them like me for my looks, not for my personality. I’m not always in my best attitude and behavior but all the while till now he still will like me for my personality. The only thing I’m aiming for after marriage is my CAREER~!!! I won’t put so much hope in family. I so so so wish to be a “siu lai lai” BUT I know this wouldn’t ever happen especially in a family like his…so I rather spend my whole effort and time on my career. My motivation in life now is to earn money…buy my own house…and travelling~!!! I so love to have my own home and my freedom to travel ^^ Even if one day *touch wood* he’s unfaithful to me, he needs to think twice…when I have my own career and my own money…I’m not scared anymore…I can have the ability to even bring up my own children lor hor…?
I have no idea what to do after marriage but I’m praying hard everyday now…hoping GOD will give me guidance and show me my career path. =) I really love travelling so much!!! Who doesn’t hor…? hehehe I wouldn’t cause trouble with his families and I wouldn’t respect his mum and sis in future…not anymore~!!! I won’t purposely give her a hard time but I definitely won’t let her give me a hard time. I always have my parents for the moment now…I have to earn more money as soon as possible to give my parents a good life~ I won’t give her a damn…if I have children…besides my parents…I will have another motivation to bring up my children well mannered…I think this is how I survived throughout my whole process of wedding preparations lor… =) I’m always trying my best to be positive but sometimes I’m too down and too moody…I still do breakdown de… hahaha I really need lotsa lotsa support~! I hope to faster settle the loan and save money for travelling…hope I have the chance before I get pregnant ^^
I’m so so so looking forward to the two weeks before my wedding. I hope to spend my happiest time in my life during the one or two weeks before my wedding. Hope GOD will grant me this wish~ ^^ I don’t want him or his family to affect anymore of my last singlehood weeks…I’ve sacrifice enough for the past 18 months lor…
Last week I went through a terrible time. I think it’s because both families have different point of view in weddings and MOST important part is that we don’t have the money. It doesn’t turn out to be what I think or plan because when he first propose to me, it’s still way TOO early and we thought that long period of time we could save even more for a wonderful happy wedding. As times goes by, we tend to use up our money somehow somewhere. I remember I spend partially during the Taiwan trip but that doesn’t affect us at all. Thinking back the one that affect us the most are the two friends that he employed for his business and the shop unit that we purchased not long ago. Sigh~
I still remember last year when he proposed, we went to open a joint savings account and we managed to save roughly about 4k within 6 months if I’m not wrong. That time we still afford to save and spend on daily living expenses even when I’m not working. When his two friends started to join the company right after we’re back from Taiwan then the money starts to decrease slowly. At first we didn’t notice until almost middle of the year and he can’t sustain anymore. He discussed with me and asked if I could go look for a job to cover my expenses for the time being. I agreed as well since I know we need to save more in order to have a better wedding. We even have a budget lists and state down the whole wedding expenses. At that time, we’re still able to afford at least a minimum wedding dinner to be at Shangrila Tanjung Aru. I was happy even I had to sacrifice my pre-wedding photography to be taken in KK.
I then started to work in June at Suria Sabah. As months past, he started to find that no matter how he worked, he can’t see the profits from his business. No matter I cover my own expenses or not, he still finds that his monthly income is insufficient. We didn’t realized it then so we thought we spend more on eating out or buying unnecessary things. Until November, he finally calculated our budget for the wedding and find that we really cannot cover already if we need to hold the dinner at Shangrila Tanjung Aru. Some more his sis and mum are EVILS! They are always brain washing him and sucking his money like vampire sucking blood. *sweat* I was so so so damn pissed off the day when we went to paid the deposit at Promenade Hotel. The afternoon when I’m back home, I straightaway went to delete the mywedding.com account that I have created for us. I was really really down. I feel my whole heart and soul goes down the drain. I never felt so bad ever~ I can sacrifice everything but I really can’t accept it when we had to change the venue. *sob* He convince and comfort me that time saying that there’s a huge difference in the amount for the two venues. I was mad for quite sometime. He had to promise me that he will bring me to a better honeymoon, minimum limit will be going to Korea.
I still couldn’t get over it then but I tried to think positive. It really IS a huge difference for the total price in the two different venues. I slowly pray and tried to focus more on other things. I took few months to really put everything down. That time I was working. I focus more of my time at work and spending happy hour times with my colleagues *winks* My days and months past through lotsa lotsa ups and downs. I was always the one giving in to lotsa small or big details, just hoping that our wedding will be a simple, happy and peaceful one. I really didn’t put hope in it at all right after November last year.
BUT I never ever think that until today, things have turned out to be that worst. I know he’s the kind of ego person. When I knew him for the first day, I already knew that he is a very egoistic and stubborn thinking guy. So far, back then I know he really love me…he really does and he gives me the kind of secure feeling where he won’t be unfaithful to me. That is why when he proposed, I accepted. He is still faithful to me so far till now. He still let me know where he goes and what he do everytime. He still worries if I were to drive out alone or going somewhere alone to do some errands. During this few weeks, our attitude and behavior kinda changed. I have been much much more moody. He have been not so understanding and caring. I have this insecure feeling. I’m very very worried that I have made the wrong choice…made the wrong decision and after marriage he will be unfaithful to me. Like those Chinese sayings “Before marriage he treats you like treasure, After marriage he treats you like grass”. I really think over and over again myself during the past few weeks. He is good and understanding whenever his family people are not around. He never makes me angry or unhappy whenever his families are not around to comment or anything. He lets me decides everything I like. Once his family is around to discuss or share something or just simple family conversation, it really got me on nerves. Every single time also makes me angry, moody or unhappy. I really cannot stand his mum and sis. He always have no says when the both of them talked...I always get mad and lose control when facing those two idiots! Those two are the ones that makes our relationship gets worse and worse recently~!
Some more my parents are not those “open” type of person where I can change my decision last minute now. When I just informed my parents that I’m getting married and the few months nearer to his sis’s wedding, I also faced lotsa lotsa problems with his family and I only talk about it to my parents. They did asked me to think properly and the best solutions for me is to stay with them right after my marriage. I didn’t feel so worst that time since he still didn’t change much, it’s only his family members that are giving me all those hassle and problems.
Until the most recent case which makes me feel terrible are the meeting up and discussion of marriage details between my two aunts, my father and his parents. That is when our relationship gets worse and worse. =( I thought we could use the trip to KL which is supposed to be today to build up our relationship and at least clear our mind from all those unhappiness BUT his mum is again giving us lotsa lotsa problems on the little details of our wedding at this last minute time. She strongly INSISTED for 45 tables + my 10 tables + her son’s 5 tables. She even wanted to extend till 50 tables. She still makes noise and complaining everyday that she still got more people she didn’t manage to invite and always asked if we have any unconfirmed guests which we can cancel and give her the seats. DAMN!!! I’m not pissed off with her too many invitations…BUT…I’m so damn angry with her attitude! We already told her we don’t have so much money, that’s why we change from Shangrila Tanjung Aru to Promenade!!! She said her husband will pay for the groom’s side. Now that his father came and discuss with us personally saying that he has insufficient money because the project that he does has not release payment to him yet. So we went to ask her to cancel some tables which is not really so necessary because we have insufficient money. She said her husband never told her he had insufficient money, she said her husband told her to go ahead only, no problem on money side. *big sweat* and so she don’t care, she won’t cancel any!!!
Indirectly saying the whole dinner is actually paid by US and we don’t have a say in anything!!! Previously when we paid down payment for the shop unit, his father told us that he pay for us as a gift for our wedding. Last month he asked us to pay him back and he will gift us other things. Then he said he will buy us a mattress. So the money we are supposed to save for our honeymoon had to be paid back to his father. After paying back, now he said he still has insufficient money because of the late payment from the project and we had to come out with another amount of money. Now that after the meeting up and discussion with my aunts regarding the “Gor Dai Lai” process, his mum make a big fuss and mentioned that our family are superstitious and she have never done this for her eldest son and her daughter! So what?!?! She never does…doesn’t mean she cannot do it now! “Gor Dai Lai” is a very very simple and basic traditions to be done and its suppose to be a happy process. She make a big fuss and show a sour face right after the discussion and the days till now. She keeps emphasize that this is not necessary and a waste of money. Excuse Me!!! The whole process costs less than RM300…what does she expect?!?! During the discussion, my aunt talks about our family and she found out that my aunt’s best friend is her classmate before. I heard from my aunt that she is very afraid of that classmate of hers because whenever she does anything not right, that classmate will make her lose face as that person has a high reputation. My aunt told her that nowadays “Ping Jing” is kinda high as things nowadays have increased in prices compared to few years ago. My cousin just got married December last year, and my aunt told her that her son-in-law gave RM8888 and it’s consider an ok amount. Her face was sour and now whenever we talk about money, she will said our family asks for too high amount, we’re those money-minded people! DAMN!!! The day before “Gor Dai Lai” she asked her son to come and request me and my parents not to inform my aunt about the “Ping Jing” amount as what is given to me is less than her eldest son and her daughter ones. She said very loudly to my aunt that she will give minimum of 5k but now only 1888 is given to me! Her reason is that she don’t want to lose face! The afternoon my parents got the money, that evening it was returned to her son. My parents already mentioned in the first place that they are not selling their daughters, they hope I will be treated good in their family and also both of us younger ones to be happy forever.
Until today, she still make a fuss over lotsa lotsa small details in our wedding. The whole wedding as if belongs to her and not to us!!! Not only she wants us to pay this pay that, she even already confirmed the lunch menu for RM1700…and she said she will only paid RM600 as the rest will be bear by us!!! WTH!!! Can she at least discussed with us first?!?! There’s so much more things that she confirmed without our acknowledgement and asked us to pay!
As for the loan, I so so so so regretted I told him about it. Do you know how he convinced me into giving him the money? I guess this is all under his plans. When I told him about the loan, he was surprised at first and when I explained to him that it’s just my luck and GOD gave me a savior and answered my prayers. He then has no questions about it. He doesn’t seem to mind about it at all. I thought he was so open-minded and generous. I never ever think that today more than half of my money goes to him. *big big sweat* At first he asked me not to put the whole amount I loan to settle my debts as I might have difficulty to re-pay since I’m not working and I still need to use for daily living expenses. He asked me to put 10k into his business and he helps me to earn profits within 1 year so I could re-pay back the total amount as soon as possible. He explained to me that every month he could help me earn around 1k so within 24 months I could re-pay back a more than half the amount already. I trusted him. I’m left with 23k. I thought I could settle all my debts with the balance I have. Few days after that, we need to make payment for our bedroom furniture in order for them to deliver. He told me his money is stuck at the stocks on hand. He needs to loan from me first. I paid 4k for the furnitures. At first he said he would paid partially for the bride’s tables since the “Ping Jing” is so little. And out of the blue, he have to paid for his groom’s side because his father has insufficient amount and the lunch that his idiot mum ordered! I had to pay back my own balance of 5.5k. I’m left with 13.5k. I paid back the debts I owe my mum of 6k. I’m left with 6k to cover my personal debts. The ones I settled previously have been gone to him. I’m left with 1.5k cash on hand. He still wants me to pay for my make-up artists, wedding cake and other smaller things that need to be purchased. Not to mention my own bag, dress, personal items etc etc etc…I was thinking if i didn't tell him...everything will also turn out the same and I think he will be able to come out with the money...His family has so many people whereas compared to mine only three of us...I'm sure they are able to sort out the financial problems lor hor...? Sigh~
For a single moment, I even thought he already had an agreement with his parents not to come out with so much money because I have a big amount of loan. I really couldn’t stand it anymore. I voice out to him and said I’m not the kind of girl who spends a lot of wasting a lot of money. I have already saved to my maximum just to cover for my wedding. My tables in the wedding have been cut to 9 tables already now. The dinner menu have been cut to RM700 per table. His mum already agreed to give us 2 tables…means I’ll be paying for 7 tables! I don’t have any “Ping Jing”…he doesn’t pay for bride’s table. All those small details his mum confirmed are paid by us. I’m only left with 1.5k to spend and I still need to use it for my own spendings. I still need money to enjoy with my friends before my wedding. I hope the whole plan isn’t what I think it is. I just hopes he didn’t do anything like that. I hope he is sincerely poor because of his idiot mum & sis giving millions of comments and suggestions! Those he owe me, he promised to pay me back after the wedding and I hope its true~ I just pray he won’t give me excuses again! I was so mad and moody because indirectly I’m paying a huge amount for the whole process and I don’t have a chance to arrange something I like! After voicing out to him, yesterday he told me he will tried to give me back 2k to buy my stuffs and whatever I need to use it for. I really hope everything’s not what I think it is. He’s a holy Christian. His family is a holy Christian. I have to trust him for now. I did inform my aunts on the updates and happenings. They advise me to be humble and since his mum is not too over the limit, they ask me to try to tahan her. This is also better for my future life in his family. If anything that she's gone over the limits, they will find ways to negotiate with her. Only one thing I can feel is that his mum is really afraid of my aunts. She bullies me & my parents because my father is not educated and my mum's health condition is so unhealthy. She bullies my parents till the maximum! I just so hate his mum and sis so so so much!!! I seldom showed in my expression but I can feel he knows. I have indirectly voice out to him few times, he kinda got my signal~
After this super extreme long email, you might think I’m over too soft kind of person to trust him easily hor…? Sigh~ I’m this kind of person. Some more now I have been converted to be Christian and I have to put faith in my prayer and GOD. I’m not sure if I will have a happy life with him in future. But I’m just a simple girl who just hopes he will be faithful to me for the rest of his life. I don’t mind he’s poor or he’s ego and stubborn, I only hope and wish he is faithful and honest to me~ I get to know and meet lotsa other guys. Most of them will tend to be unfaithful after sometime in relationship. Most of them like me for my looks, not for my personality. I’m not always in my best attitude and behavior but all the while till now he still will like me for my personality. The only thing I’m aiming for after marriage is my CAREER~!!! I won’t put so much hope in family. I so so so wish to be a “siu lai lai” BUT I know this wouldn’t ever happen especially in a family like his…so I rather spend my whole effort and time on my career. My motivation in life now is to earn money…buy my own house…and travelling~!!! I so love to have my own home and my freedom to travel ^^ Even if one day *touch wood* he’s unfaithful to me, he needs to think twice…when I have my own career and my own money…I’m not scared anymore…I can have the ability to even bring up my own children lor hor…?
I have no idea what to do after marriage but I’m praying hard everyday now…hoping GOD will give me guidance and show me my career path. =) I really love travelling so much!!! Who doesn’t hor…? hehehe I wouldn’t cause trouble with his families and I wouldn’t respect his mum and sis in future…not anymore~!!! I won’t purposely give her a hard time but I definitely won’t let her give me a hard time. I always have my parents for the moment now…I have to earn more money as soon as possible to give my parents a good life~ I won’t give her a damn…if I have children…besides my parents…I will have another motivation to bring up my children well mannered…I think this is how I survived throughout my whole process of wedding preparations lor… =) I’m always trying my best to be positive but sometimes I’m too down and too moody…I still do breakdown de… hahaha I really need lotsa lotsa support~! I hope to faster settle the loan and save money for travelling…hope I have the chance before I get pregnant ^^
I’m so so so looking forward to the two weeks before my wedding. I hope to spend my happiest time in my life during the one or two weeks before my wedding. Hope GOD will grant me this wish~ ^^ I don’t want him or his family to affect anymore of my last singlehood weeks…I’ve sacrifice enough for the past 18 months lor…
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Another sleepless night...
It’s 4:10am now. I can’t sleep again.
I’m not like this all the while. I’m the kind of person who really can sleep well and most important I can fall asleep very easily.
Thinking back what happened two days ago. It was the day where I didn’t sleep and worried about the “Gor Dai Lai”. I remembered I finally managed to fall asleep around 9am and was disturb by his call around 12:30pm. He called to wake me up for brunch and also buy some items for the “Gor Dai Lai”. I had to force myself to wake up and had a quick brunch at Citymall while we drop by at one of the shops there to buy red cloth and umbrella. He sent me home then went home to pick his parents to come pay us a visit. When he reach home, he called and informed me that his whole big family is coming. I was so shocked! Luckily this visit doesn’t include his sister and I felt a bit relieved. I still feel very uncomfortable because of the big crowd. I had to inform my parents and I can see that my mum feels very uneasy about it. They came around 4:00pm and finally left around 5:15pm. There’s nothing very “special” happened. Phew! What a relieved! The only very disappointed news are the “Pinkg Jing”. As per discussion previously between my aunties and his parents, I’m supposed to get minimum of RM5000 which my aunt has already hinted his mum nowadays we usually get more than that. I was thinking since my dad is not going to take it, how come they just couldn’t keep their promise to give the amount agreed? Am I really so “not good” that I’m only worth RM1888? Or because my parents are not educated and my family is not so rich that I’m not even worth RM5000? My father is also very sad too to know the amount given. He was there when my aunt had the agreement with his parents. Anyway, my parents didn’t take a single cent from the “Ping Jing”, my dad gave me back the exact whole amount to be returned to him. I feel very bad too. Before this amount was given, he had discuss with me about it. He showed me a very very “FAN” look because he had to come out with RM5000 for my parents…I had no choice but to advise him if he couldn’t afford then he could give any amount he think is convenient for him. But from the start till the end, I already tell him my father confirmed will not take the money because he already mentioned it from first day itself he’s not selling his daughter. I’m so so so disappointed. I’m only worth that much. *sob*
As for last night, I was suppose to go to his house and relax and enjoy some Starcraft games before proceeding to do Photo Montages…who would know I ended up having a really bad night again. When I was there, his brother is helping his father to print the names on invitation cards and then putting them into envelopes. His sister was there again! I went to help his father in arranging invitation cards. Suddenly his mum and sister came in with his bro-in-law…they chatted with his brother in Australia through MSN…and mentioned about going to National Park for a night stay when he’s back to attend our wedding. Few days ago it was agreed we will go after our wedding with another friend and maybe his parents as well. Now that his sister is there, the whole conversation turns out to be totally different. She can’t take leave if we were to go on weekdays before our wedding. Their sis-in-law also couldn’t go because their nephews have school to go to. Logically those staying here in KK can go anytime again in future when there’s a holiday. But because of all those BULLSHIT it has been confirmed that all of us will go for a night stay on 15th and back to KK on 16th. His brother from Australia will touch down around 9:30pm and then we’ll pick him then head to National Park, the next day usual 12pm check out then we’ll head back to KK. I was so so so frustrated. I have aunt coming back from JB, I have friends coming from Tawau, I have friends coming from Sandakan. How come they never think of my arrangement?!?! I told him that I might not be able to go and if they have other choices. He answered me “ok…then u stay in KK…I will go with them…” then he turned to his sis and said “ok…I will share a room with the bro from Australia…” I was like =.= and *sweat* I really couldn’t bear that anger and sad feeling. How come he don’t know how to understand my feeling? How come he can’t choose another date? WTH if his sister can’t go? There’s plenty of next time to do family outings again. It’s not like tomorrow is the end of the world…it’s not like his brother is never going to come back anymore!!! Can he just think he stay back here to company me & my aunt? I might need to company my relatives…I might need to go more arrangements…why can’t he think how I feel? How come he only cares about his DAMN sis?!?! What am I to him? We’re getting married. We’re going to be closer in relationship even closer than comparing to parents! WTH does he think…?!?! How come he never bothers about my feeling?
If I were given another chance…I really wouldn’t choose to get married now!!! I will wait till our financial is really stable and when he really knows & understands how to RESPECT me!!!
Now I know there’s no turning back…there’s no more chances…invitations are out…parents have already both agreed…I had to go on with my life~ I had to proceed no matter how bad I feel…no matter how sad I am…no matter how unwilling things I faced. I have to accept it…this is my life now~
I just so so so WISH one day someone would walk up to him and tell him straight in the face to please care, understand and respect me more!!! Can his mind please at least think of my feelings? Can he not just only think of his families? As if I don’t have families!?!? His mum disappoints my father so so so many times and I have also told him about it, why doesn’t he do something about it? Why must it be only me to make my father feel better again? Why can’t he put some effort into this matter? Why I’m always the ONLY one to show respect to his parents and his families?!?! Why doesn’t he put some effort and respect and care more to my parents?!?! DAMN!
Oh No! I have been cursing so many in this blog. I feel so bad. I have to pray more for forgiveness. GOD~ I’m sorry for all those I have cursed above but I have no other ways to express my pressure and sadness. I’m sorry but I still feel very very unhappy.
Its 4:50am. I have to sleep and wake up to another brand new day later~
I’m not like this all the while. I’m the kind of person who really can sleep well and most important I can fall asleep very easily.
Thinking back what happened two days ago. It was the day where I didn’t sleep and worried about the “Gor Dai Lai”. I remembered I finally managed to fall asleep around 9am and was disturb by his call around 12:30pm. He called to wake me up for brunch and also buy some items for the “Gor Dai Lai”. I had to force myself to wake up and had a quick brunch at Citymall while we drop by at one of the shops there to buy red cloth and umbrella. He sent me home then went home to pick his parents to come pay us a visit. When he reach home, he called and informed me that his whole big family is coming. I was so shocked! Luckily this visit doesn’t include his sister and I felt a bit relieved. I still feel very uncomfortable because of the big crowd. I had to inform my parents and I can see that my mum feels very uneasy about it. They came around 4:00pm and finally left around 5:15pm. There’s nothing very “special” happened. Phew! What a relieved! The only very disappointed news are the “Pinkg Jing”. As per discussion previously between my aunties and his parents, I’m supposed to get minimum of RM5000 which my aunt has already hinted his mum nowadays we usually get more than that. I was thinking since my dad is not going to take it, how come they just couldn’t keep their promise to give the amount agreed? Am I really so “not good” that I’m only worth RM1888? Or because my parents are not educated and my family is not so rich that I’m not even worth RM5000? My father is also very sad too to know the amount given. He was there when my aunt had the agreement with his parents. Anyway, my parents didn’t take a single cent from the “Ping Jing”, my dad gave me back the exact whole amount to be returned to him. I feel very bad too. Before this amount was given, he had discuss with me about it. He showed me a very very “FAN” look because he had to come out with RM5000 for my parents…I had no choice but to advise him if he couldn’t afford then he could give any amount he think is convenient for him. But from the start till the end, I already tell him my father confirmed will not take the money because he already mentioned it from first day itself he’s not selling his daughter. I’m so so so disappointed. I’m only worth that much. *sob*
As for last night, I was suppose to go to his house and relax and enjoy some Starcraft games before proceeding to do Photo Montages…who would know I ended up having a really bad night again. When I was there, his brother is helping his father to print the names on invitation cards and then putting them into envelopes. His sister was there again! I went to help his father in arranging invitation cards. Suddenly his mum and sister came in with his bro-in-law…they chatted with his brother in Australia through MSN…and mentioned about going to National Park for a night stay when he’s back to attend our wedding. Few days ago it was agreed we will go after our wedding with another friend and maybe his parents as well. Now that his sister is there, the whole conversation turns out to be totally different. She can’t take leave if we were to go on weekdays before our wedding. Their sis-in-law also couldn’t go because their nephews have school to go to. Logically those staying here in KK can go anytime again in future when there’s a holiday. But because of all those BULLSHIT it has been confirmed that all of us will go for a night stay on 15th and back to KK on 16th. His brother from Australia will touch down around 9:30pm and then we’ll pick him then head to National Park, the next day usual 12pm check out then we’ll head back to KK. I was so so so frustrated. I have aunt coming back from JB, I have friends coming from Tawau, I have friends coming from Sandakan. How come they never think of my arrangement?!?! I told him that I might not be able to go and if they have other choices. He answered me “ok…then u stay in KK…I will go with them…” then he turned to his sis and said “ok…I will share a room with the bro from Australia…” I was like =.= and *sweat* I really couldn’t bear that anger and sad feeling. How come he don’t know how to understand my feeling? How come he can’t choose another date? WTH if his sister can’t go? There’s plenty of next time to do family outings again. It’s not like tomorrow is the end of the world…it’s not like his brother is never going to come back anymore!!! Can he just think he stay back here to company me & my aunt? I might need to company my relatives…I might need to go more arrangements…why can’t he think how I feel? How come he only cares about his DAMN sis?!?! What am I to him? We’re getting married. We’re going to be closer in relationship even closer than comparing to parents! WTH does he think…?!?! How come he never bothers about my feeling?
If I were given another chance…I really wouldn’t choose to get married now!!! I will wait till our financial is really stable and when he really knows & understands how to RESPECT me!!!
Now I know there’s no turning back…there’s no more chances…invitations are out…parents have already both agreed…I had to go on with my life~ I had to proceed no matter how bad I feel…no matter how sad I am…no matter how unwilling things I faced. I have to accept it…this is my life now~
I just so so so WISH one day someone would walk up to him and tell him straight in the face to please care, understand and respect me more!!! Can his mind please at least think of my feelings? Can he not just only think of his families? As if I don’t have families!?!? His mum disappoints my father so so so many times and I have also told him about it, why doesn’t he do something about it? Why must it be only me to make my father feel better again? Why can’t he put some effort into this matter? Why I’m always the ONLY one to show respect to his parents and his families?!?! Why doesn’t he put some effort and respect and care more to my parents?!?! DAMN!
Oh No! I have been cursing so many in this blog. I feel so bad. I have to pray more for forgiveness. GOD~ I’m sorry for all those I have cursed above but I have no other ways to express my pressure and sadness. I’m sorry but I still feel very very unhappy.
Its 4:50am. I have to sleep and wake up to another brand new day later~
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Finally after a long long time...
It’s 6:15am now and I still cannot sleep. This is very bad for my health and skin especially my wedding is so near. I am not sure if blogging could help me to release my pressure and unhappiness but its always worth a try~ I know some of the things are not good to be blogged out as this is my personal life happenings but I really cannot find any other ways to make myself feel better. *sob*
I don’t know what’s wrong with my wedding and preparations before wedding. I have so much worries and unhappiness. I’m not sure if it is because of “me” or there is really problems arising within this period of time. I’m so so so sad that I have to give up my dream wedding just because we don’t have sufficient money for the whole wedding ceremony and dinner. When both of us first started planning for the wedding since he proposed to me on 14 February last year, I’m really very excited about the whole idea and I thought my beautiful dreams will begin from thereafter. As days gone by, I find myself getting more and more unhappy about it. I’m not a materialistic girl. I’m just a simple girl who wish to have a simple and happy wedding for once in a lifetime. To me, wedding is like a person’s life, there’s no Take 2.
At first, I thought I wasn’t working, that is why I have to give up lots of wonderful wedding ideas and plans. Few months later, his business started to fall, I know I couldn’t continue to not work, I know he couldn’t afford to cover for my living while he needs to do savings for our wedding. I made up my mind to look for a job and GOD bless me I found a job. I have worked there for about 6 months. I’m unhappy working there and his business has also stabilize so we both agreed I could concentrate more on wedding preparations and quit the job. I was worried at first but after a while I was ok since I still help in his business. Few months later GOD bless me again, I found a new business opportunity, a friend introduce me to join eCOsway. I was very very happy and I worked hard everyday hoping I could have my own business in near future.
When my dreams are getting better, I was informed that I failed my interview to open my own business. At that time, I was totally lost. I had lost hope and confidence in my life. All of a sudden I feel the whole world is gray and I don’t know what is my next motivation in life. I even had a slight thought to run away to a new country that no one knows me and start a whole new life. GOD bless me again! I got warm and full support from two of my friends. I suddenly realized that all the while I’m praying for GOD’s help to save me from my difficulties and my prayers were answered! I was very happy again! Thinking back now, I feel that I’m the kind of person who is easily satisfied and easily disappointed. But that’s “me”! I’m just a very simple girl. I don’t think of complicated things, I always find reasons for myself to cover my unhappiness until the extend that I cannot cope anymore then I will break down. It sounds more like a machine.
It’s 6:45am now. I’m still wide awake.
Later in the afternoon around 3:00pm, his parents would be coming over to pay a visit to my parents. Today we’ll be doing the traditional Chinese “Gor Dai Lai”. I should be very happy about it but I’m not. I’m worried that everything is not going to turn out the way it is.
Last night he told me that his mum informed him that the main table during our wedding dinner will be occupied by his family more than mine. I will be only given 3 seats which is my parents and myself. This news suddenly shocked me very much! How could it be! No matter my side of the table have arrangements or not, at least it should be discussed with my family first. Now it’s like informing me that the seats will be occupied! When I tried to reason with him, he told me that that is his mum’s idea and her reasons are that there’s no other NG’s family members so besides NG’s family, not even my mum’s parents are allowed to sit there. I know I’m the younger generations but I still need to respect my grandparents (mum’s parents). I have already personally informed and invited them. No matter they are attending or not, it is still yet to be confirmed. When I told him about my reasons and my opinions that IF my grandparents won’t be attending, my eldest uncle or aunt would be there to be on behalf, no matter how they are my mum’s brothers and sisters! How could the reasons be that they are not NG’s family and not allowed to be sitted there. Correct me if I’m wrong! Chinese traditions only allowed father’s family to be consider the most important in a family? Mother’s family are not important? Why bother to get married then? Isn’t it after marriage then both parent’s families are equally important?
My dad is not really educated due to his poor family background in the past. My mum’s mental health is not so good during recent years. No matter what, they are also my parents! How could his mum always decides everything herself and pay no respects to my parents? I’m the ONLY CHILD in the family! My marriage and my wedding means more than anything to them in their lifetime! It is equally as important to me!
Thinking back again…which of the things in my wedding I’m given the opportunity to decide something I like?
I have been giving tonnes of reasons for myself to feel better…
Pre-wedding Photography…I really wish to go France Taipei no matter it’s at Taiwan or Singapore or even West Malaysia…in the end because of the tight budget…I sacrifice for him…
Wedding Dinner Venue…I so so so wish to be at Shangrila Tangjung Aru Resort (STAR) but due to the tight budget and expensive package…I sacrifice for him… *this is my most regretted one!!!*
Church Wedding…I wish to have a beautifully decorated church with full of flowers…I love flowers! and because there is no budget…I sacrifice for him…
Photo Montage and Videography…I really wish to have a very sweet and memorable one but I have a feeling the outcome will definitely not going to be good or maybe no outcome at all…I finally managed to get a good videographer also BIG thanks to both my friends…or else I will not have a chance to convince him at all~!!! He even mentioned to me that it’s a burden for him due to the high price *sweat*
House or Room…I wish to start a family with a “really” proper house we could comfortably stay in…I don’t mind if it’s small…I don’t mind if it’s second-hand…I just WISH to start my own family there…I sacrifice for him…no house then I’m ok with room…now even the room we cannot even renovate anything at all due to family member’s superstitious…now even the lights and electrical fan in the room, it is not in our budget to afford buying it…can you believe it?!?!
Other details…being together as a couple means starting a brand new life together…it’s even more important than Chinese New Year! He even asked me to save or if possible, not to buy those new clothes, new shoes, new towels, new pyjamas, etc etc etc I’m still trying to sacrifice for him
I owe my friend a HUGE favour…my friend have already helped me to solve my financial difficulties and I’m so so so grateful. In the end, a big amount of the loan goes to him. It is well reasonable when I was told that I could invest in his business so he could help me earn back faster so I could quickly settle my loan. I’m so happy when I heard about it. Besides the investment, I had to come out with other payments for our wedding…I don’t mean that I’m stingy and not willing to pay for our wedding but when I paid…how come I don’t get to decide in anything at all…I still need to continue sacrifice…sacrifice and sacrifice…and sacrifice~ when can I stop this sacrificing? When can he appreciate me more? When can he not show me sour face or reason back with me when I told him about my opinions? When can he not get angry when I told him what I want? When can he really stop for a second and think about me? When can he really wake up to think that OUR WEDDING is meant for US? When will he open his mind to realize how much I have sacrifice? When will he stop making me feel sad? When will he feel pity for me when he hears me cry? When will he STOP depending on his parents?
I don’t even dare to think how much he will appreciate me in future. I don’t even dare to think whether how good he will treat me in future. I don’t even dare to hope for simple honeymoon now! I’m worried about my life after marriage. I’m worried about my financial after marriage. When I cried last time, he will be so worried and find ways to make me happy but now I cried he will just relax and wait for me to finish crying and then go to sleep. *sweat* I thinks he started to feel I’m more and more hopeless! I don’t even get surprises or gifts or flowers now during special occasions or even birthdays!!! I’m even more worried that our marriage will not last forever. How come I will have this kind of feeling just a month away from my wedding? How come I have pressure not because I’m too busy with wedding preparations but because I don’t even have money to prepare? There are too many doubts in me!!!
I did ever asked him, how come our wedding will turn out to be as bad as this now. When we planned since last year, we have never ever thought our day will end up till this extend. No matter what I asked or how I asked, he will only tell me pray more to GOD! GOD will help us! GOD will create miracles for us! I’m sorry to say but it’s not that I don’t believe in GOD, it’s not that I don’t have faith in GOD. I do…I honestly do believe and have faith in GOD!!! But we have to make an effort in doing everything before GOD could give us miracles. How can he always wait day by day and tells me that GOD will help us? We’re going everywhere to search for things to buy for our wedding BUT until today it’s still ONLY searching and not buying! Everytime when I mentioned when do we buy those stuffs, he will only answer me, “don’t worry, no rush, we still have 1 more month, why buy it so early when we still have so much time…”. I’m so so so pissed off with that answer!!! I have totally given up once again! I don’t want to do anything anymore. Let’s wait together! Let’s wait for the last week before wedding then!!!
It’s 7:45am now…I still can’t stop blogging…I have so so so much things in my mind…I couldn’t stop thinking…I couldn’t stop feeling down…I couldn’t stop writing…
I know I complaint too much…I know I am not perfect either but I just hope he understands how I feel and think. It’s not because I do not want to sit down and talk nicely to him BUT our conversations will never ever have a conclusion!!! Whenever I find a chance to talk to him on any of the above topic, he will either keep quiet and said “you like…you win” or he will be sour face and said “what else u want…why do u expect so much when you know we don’t have enough money…” or he will have 1,001 reasons to answer me and in the end I’m still the one who is so wrong in asking. I’m still the one who always have so much to complaint. I’m always the one to always ask for something which I already know there’s no conclusion. I know he treats me good. I know he loves me very much. But when will he ever know how I feel? He’s so so so stubborn!!! I just wish GOD will give me a miracle! I wish GOD will wake him up to at least appreciate me more!!! I’m really really very very tired with EVERYTHING…
I even asked him few times that whether we could postponed our wedding…just mentioned that we need more budget…to be honest isn’t it better than being so stubborn? We can have a much better wedding and marriage life after wedding as happy moments will always be the sweetest & most memorable things for us to maintain better relationship in future~ he always answered me the news has already been announced, we cannot change, it’s not good to change, other people will think we’re useless… *sweat* How come he cannot put down his ego and settle things properly? How come everything is decided by his mum now?
Can he PLEASE PLEASE wake up and look around and clear his mind to see what is going on?!?!
This is OUR WEDDING~!!! It doesn’t belong to anyone else!!! All I can make myself feel better now is pray to GOD, pray to GOD, pray to GOD…still pray to GOD…and pray to GOD… =.= My only motivation in life now is MONEY!!! I want to earn lots and lots of money…I want to go travelling…I want to buy my own house…I want to have my own career…I want to help those in need of help…I want to have faith in GOD more…I feel hopeless in love…I’m too sad in everything…I can’t even go travel when the ticket have already been purchased! The reason is because we don’t have enough time to prepare for our wedding BUT I don’t even have anything to prepare!!! I only know when I have money means I can do whatever I want and travel to wherever I wish to! Now he makes me think that MONEY is everything…GOD bless me with money…when I have the money means my life will be happy! He don’t cares for me as much as before, he only thinks how to earn more money. So Do I~!!!
I really have to stop for now...It's already 8:30am... =(
I don’t know what’s wrong with my wedding and preparations before wedding. I have so much worries and unhappiness. I’m not sure if it is because of “me” or there is really problems arising within this period of time. I’m so so so sad that I have to give up my dream wedding just because we don’t have sufficient money for the whole wedding ceremony and dinner. When both of us first started planning for the wedding since he proposed to me on 14 February last year, I’m really very excited about the whole idea and I thought my beautiful dreams will begin from thereafter. As days gone by, I find myself getting more and more unhappy about it. I’m not a materialistic girl. I’m just a simple girl who wish to have a simple and happy wedding for once in a lifetime. To me, wedding is like a person’s life, there’s no Take 2.
At first, I thought I wasn’t working, that is why I have to give up lots of wonderful wedding ideas and plans. Few months later, his business started to fall, I know I couldn’t continue to not work, I know he couldn’t afford to cover for my living while he needs to do savings for our wedding. I made up my mind to look for a job and GOD bless me I found a job. I have worked there for about 6 months. I’m unhappy working there and his business has also stabilize so we both agreed I could concentrate more on wedding preparations and quit the job. I was worried at first but after a while I was ok since I still help in his business. Few months later GOD bless me again, I found a new business opportunity, a friend introduce me to join eCOsway. I was very very happy and I worked hard everyday hoping I could have my own business in near future.
When my dreams are getting better, I was informed that I failed my interview to open my own business. At that time, I was totally lost. I had lost hope and confidence in my life. All of a sudden I feel the whole world is gray and I don’t know what is my next motivation in life. I even had a slight thought to run away to a new country that no one knows me and start a whole new life. GOD bless me again! I got warm and full support from two of my friends. I suddenly realized that all the while I’m praying for GOD’s help to save me from my difficulties and my prayers were answered! I was very happy again! Thinking back now, I feel that I’m the kind of person who is easily satisfied and easily disappointed. But that’s “me”! I’m just a very simple girl. I don’t think of complicated things, I always find reasons for myself to cover my unhappiness until the extend that I cannot cope anymore then I will break down. It sounds more like a machine.
It’s 6:45am now. I’m still wide awake.
Later in the afternoon around 3:00pm, his parents would be coming over to pay a visit to my parents. Today we’ll be doing the traditional Chinese “Gor Dai Lai”. I should be very happy about it but I’m not. I’m worried that everything is not going to turn out the way it is.
Last night he told me that his mum informed him that the main table during our wedding dinner will be occupied by his family more than mine. I will be only given 3 seats which is my parents and myself. This news suddenly shocked me very much! How could it be! No matter my side of the table have arrangements or not, at least it should be discussed with my family first. Now it’s like informing me that the seats will be occupied! When I tried to reason with him, he told me that that is his mum’s idea and her reasons are that there’s no other NG’s family members so besides NG’s family, not even my mum’s parents are allowed to sit there. I know I’m the younger generations but I still need to respect my grandparents (mum’s parents). I have already personally informed and invited them. No matter they are attending or not, it is still yet to be confirmed. When I told him about my reasons and my opinions that IF my grandparents won’t be attending, my eldest uncle or aunt would be there to be on behalf, no matter how they are my mum’s brothers and sisters! How could the reasons be that they are not NG’s family and not allowed to be sitted there. Correct me if I’m wrong! Chinese traditions only allowed father’s family to be consider the most important in a family? Mother’s family are not important? Why bother to get married then? Isn’t it after marriage then both parent’s families are equally important?
My dad is not really educated due to his poor family background in the past. My mum’s mental health is not so good during recent years. No matter what, they are also my parents! How could his mum always decides everything herself and pay no respects to my parents? I’m the ONLY CHILD in the family! My marriage and my wedding means more than anything to them in their lifetime! It is equally as important to me!
Thinking back again…which of the things in my wedding I’m given the opportunity to decide something I like?
I have been giving tonnes of reasons for myself to feel better…
Pre-wedding Photography…I really wish to go France Taipei no matter it’s at Taiwan or Singapore or even West Malaysia…in the end because of the tight budget…I sacrifice for him…
Wedding Dinner Venue…I so so so wish to be at Shangrila Tangjung Aru Resort (STAR) but due to the tight budget and expensive package…I sacrifice for him… *this is my most regretted one!!!*
Church Wedding…I wish to have a beautifully decorated church with full of flowers…I love flowers! and because there is no budget…I sacrifice for him…
Photo Montage and Videography…I really wish to have a very sweet and memorable one but I have a feeling the outcome will definitely not going to be good or maybe no outcome at all…I finally managed to get a good videographer also BIG thanks to both my friends…or else I will not have a chance to convince him at all~!!! He even mentioned to me that it’s a burden for him due to the high price *sweat*
House or Room…I wish to start a family with a “really” proper house we could comfortably stay in…I don’t mind if it’s small…I don’t mind if it’s second-hand…I just WISH to start my own family there…I sacrifice for him…no house then I’m ok with room…now even the room we cannot even renovate anything at all due to family member’s superstitious…now even the lights and electrical fan in the room, it is not in our budget to afford buying it…can you believe it?!?!
Other details…being together as a couple means starting a brand new life together…it’s even more important than Chinese New Year! He even asked me to save or if possible, not to buy those new clothes, new shoes, new towels, new pyjamas, etc etc etc I’m still trying to sacrifice for him
I owe my friend a HUGE favour…my friend have already helped me to solve my financial difficulties and I’m so so so grateful. In the end, a big amount of the loan goes to him. It is well reasonable when I was told that I could invest in his business so he could help me earn back faster so I could quickly settle my loan. I’m so happy when I heard about it. Besides the investment, I had to come out with other payments for our wedding…I don’t mean that I’m stingy and not willing to pay for our wedding but when I paid…how come I don’t get to decide in anything at all…I still need to continue sacrifice…sacrifice and sacrifice…and sacrifice~ when can I stop this sacrificing? When can he appreciate me more? When can he not show me sour face or reason back with me when I told him about my opinions? When can he not get angry when I told him what I want? When can he really stop for a second and think about me? When can he really wake up to think that OUR WEDDING is meant for US? When will he open his mind to realize how much I have sacrifice? When will he stop making me feel sad? When will he feel pity for me when he hears me cry? When will he STOP depending on his parents?
I don’t even dare to think how much he will appreciate me in future. I don’t even dare to think whether how good he will treat me in future. I don’t even dare to hope for simple honeymoon now! I’m worried about my life after marriage. I’m worried about my financial after marriage. When I cried last time, he will be so worried and find ways to make me happy but now I cried he will just relax and wait for me to finish crying and then go to sleep. *sweat* I thinks he started to feel I’m more and more hopeless! I don’t even get surprises or gifts or flowers now during special occasions or even birthdays!!! I’m even more worried that our marriage will not last forever. How come I will have this kind of feeling just a month away from my wedding? How come I have pressure not because I’m too busy with wedding preparations but because I don’t even have money to prepare? There are too many doubts in me!!!
I did ever asked him, how come our wedding will turn out to be as bad as this now. When we planned since last year, we have never ever thought our day will end up till this extend. No matter what I asked or how I asked, he will only tell me pray more to GOD! GOD will help us! GOD will create miracles for us! I’m sorry to say but it’s not that I don’t believe in GOD, it’s not that I don’t have faith in GOD. I do…I honestly do believe and have faith in GOD!!! But we have to make an effort in doing everything before GOD could give us miracles. How can he always wait day by day and tells me that GOD will help us? We’re going everywhere to search for things to buy for our wedding BUT until today it’s still ONLY searching and not buying! Everytime when I mentioned when do we buy those stuffs, he will only answer me, “don’t worry, no rush, we still have 1 more month, why buy it so early when we still have so much time…”. I’m so so so pissed off with that answer!!! I have totally given up once again! I don’t want to do anything anymore. Let’s wait together! Let’s wait for the last week before wedding then!!!
It’s 7:45am now…I still can’t stop blogging…I have so so so much things in my mind…I couldn’t stop thinking…I couldn’t stop feeling down…I couldn’t stop writing…
I know I complaint too much…I know I am not perfect either but I just hope he understands how I feel and think. It’s not because I do not want to sit down and talk nicely to him BUT our conversations will never ever have a conclusion!!! Whenever I find a chance to talk to him on any of the above topic, he will either keep quiet and said “you like…you win” or he will be sour face and said “what else u want…why do u expect so much when you know we don’t have enough money…” or he will have 1,001 reasons to answer me and in the end I’m still the one who is so wrong in asking. I’m still the one who always have so much to complaint. I’m always the one to always ask for something which I already know there’s no conclusion. I know he treats me good. I know he loves me very much. But when will he ever know how I feel? He’s so so so stubborn!!! I just wish GOD will give me a miracle! I wish GOD will wake him up to at least appreciate me more!!! I’m really really very very tired with EVERYTHING…
I even asked him few times that whether we could postponed our wedding…just mentioned that we need more budget…to be honest isn’t it better than being so stubborn? We can have a much better wedding and marriage life after wedding as happy moments will always be the sweetest & most memorable things for us to maintain better relationship in future~ he always answered me the news has already been announced, we cannot change, it’s not good to change, other people will think we’re useless… *sweat* How come he cannot put down his ego and settle things properly? How come everything is decided by his mum now?
Can he PLEASE PLEASE wake up and look around and clear his mind to see what is going on?!?!
This is OUR WEDDING~!!! It doesn’t belong to anyone else!!! All I can make myself feel better now is pray to GOD, pray to GOD, pray to GOD…still pray to GOD…and pray to GOD… =.= My only motivation in life now is MONEY!!! I want to earn lots and lots of money…I want to go travelling…I want to buy my own house…I want to have my own career…I want to help those in need of help…I want to have faith in GOD more…I feel hopeless in love…I’m too sad in everything…I can’t even go travel when the ticket have already been purchased! The reason is because we don’t have enough time to prepare for our wedding BUT I don’t even have anything to prepare!!! I only know when I have money means I can do whatever I want and travel to wherever I wish to! Now he makes me think that MONEY is everything…GOD bless me with money…when I have the money means my life will be happy! He don’t cares for me as much as before, he only thinks how to earn more money. So Do I~!!!
I really have to stop for now...It's already 8:30am... =(
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