Another sleepless night...

It’s 4:10am now. I can’t sleep again.

I’m not like this all the while. I’m the kind of person who really can sleep well and most important I can fall asleep very easily.

Thinking back what happened two days ago. It was the day where I didn’t sleep and worried about the “Gor Dai Lai”. I remembered I finally managed to fall asleep around 9am and was disturb by his call around 12:30pm. He called to wake me up for brunch and also buy some items for the “Gor Dai Lai”. I had to force myself to wake up and had a quick brunch at Citymall while we drop by at one of the shops there to buy red cloth and umbrella. He sent me home then went home to pick his parents to come pay us a visit. When he reach home, he called and informed me that his whole big family is coming. I was so shocked! Luckily this visit doesn’t include his sister and I felt a bit relieved. I still feel very uncomfortable because of the big crowd. I had to inform my parents and I can see that my mum feels very uneasy about it. They came around 4:00pm and finally left around 5:15pm. There’s nothing very “special” happened. Phew! What a relieved! The only very disappointed news are the “Pinkg Jing”. As per discussion previously between my aunties and his parents, I’m supposed to get minimum of RM5000 which my aunt has already hinted his mum nowadays we usually get more than that. I was thinking since my dad is not going to take it, how come they just couldn’t keep their promise to give the amount agreed? Am I really so “not good” that I’m only worth RM1888? Or because my parents are not educated and my family is not so rich that I’m not even worth RM5000? My father is also very sad too to know the amount given. He was there when my aunt had the agreement with his parents. Anyway, my parents didn’t take a single cent from the “Ping Jing”, my dad gave me back the exact whole amount to be returned to him. I feel very bad too. Before this amount was given, he had discuss with me about it. He showed me a very very “FAN” look because he had to come out with RM5000 for my parents…I had no choice but to advise him if he couldn’t afford then he could give any amount he think is convenient for him. But from the start till the end, I already tell him my father confirmed will not take the money because he already mentioned it from first day itself he’s not selling his daughter. I’m so so so disappointed. I’m only worth that much. *sob*

As for last night, I was suppose to go to his house and relax and enjoy some Starcraft games before proceeding to do Photo Montages…who would know I ended up having a really bad night again. When I was there, his brother is helping his father to print the names on invitation cards and then putting them into envelopes. His sister was there again! I went to help his father in arranging invitation cards. Suddenly his mum and sister came in with his bro-in-law…they chatted with his brother in Australia through MSN…and mentioned about going to National Park for a night stay when he’s back to attend our wedding. Few days ago it was agreed we will go after our wedding with another friend and maybe his parents as well. Now that his sister is there, the whole conversation turns out to be totally different. She can’t take leave if we were to go on weekdays before our wedding. Their sis-in-law also couldn’t go because their nephews have school to go to. Logically those staying here in KK can go anytime again in future when there’s a holiday. But because of all those BULLSHIT it has been confirmed that all of us will go for a night stay on 15th and back to KK on 16th. His brother from Australia will touch down around 9:30pm and then we’ll pick him then head to National Park, the next day usual 12pm check out then we’ll head back to KK. I was so so so frustrated. I have aunt coming back from JB, I have friends coming from Tawau, I have friends coming from Sandakan. How come they never think of my arrangement?!?! I told him that I might not be able to go and if they have other choices. He answered me “ok…then u stay in KK…I will go with them…” then he turned to his sis and said “ok…I will share a room with the bro from Australia…” I was like =.= and *sweat* I really couldn’t bear that anger and sad feeling. How come he don’t know how to understand my feeling? How come he can’t choose another date? WTH if his sister can’t go? There’s plenty of next time to do family outings again. It’s not like tomorrow is the end of the world…it’s not like his brother is never going to come back anymore!!! Can he just think he stay back here to company me & my aunt? I might need to company my relatives…I might need to go more arrangements…why can’t he think how I feel? How come he only cares about his DAMN sis?!?! What am I to him? We’re getting married. We’re going to be closer in relationship even closer than comparing to parents! WTH does he think…?!?! How come he never bothers about my feeling?

If I were given another chance…I really wouldn’t choose to get married now!!! I will wait till our financial is really stable and when he really knows & understands how to RESPECT me!!!
Now I know there’s no turning back…there’s no more chances…invitations are out…parents have already both agreed…I had to go on with my life~ I had to proceed no matter how bad I feel…no matter how sad I am…no matter how unwilling things I faced. I have to accept it…this is my life now~

I just so so so WISH one day someone would walk up to him and tell him straight in the face to please care, understand and respect me more!!! Can his mind please at least think of my feelings? Can he not just only think of his families? As if I don’t have families!?!? His mum disappoints my father so so so many times and I have also told him about it, why doesn’t he do something about it? Why must it be only me to make my father feel better again? Why can’t he put some effort into this matter? Why I’m always the ONLY one to show respect to his parents and his families?!?! Why doesn’t he put some effort and respect and care more to my parents?!?! DAMN!

Oh No! I have been cursing so many in this blog. I feel so bad. I have to pray more for forgiveness. GOD~ I’m sorry for all those I have cursed above but I have no other ways to express my pressure and sadness. I’m sorry but I still feel very very unhappy.

Its 4:50am. I have to sleep and wake up to another brand new day later~