I wish I had more happy things to blog about

It’s another 4:10am in the morning.

I always have sleepless nights nowadays. I’m so frustrated and moody easily during the day when I’m lack of sleep *sigh* but I just can’t seem to sleep well at night *sob This few days have been a not so bad days for me. After the super long email to my best friends, I didn’t go through a rough time. I went shopping with a friend of mine last week. I was so happy I finally bought my “Zim Cha” dress and also a perfectly fitted evening gown ^^ Most of my things have already been purchased and left with some which will still continue to search for it next week. I still have about 23 days left to the actual day. >.< How I wish I feel excited about it

GOD do answer my prayers! Thank you to my friends who have pray for me as well~ =) His dad have already managed to collect the payment from the project he’s doing and he will pay for his share. Phew~ I went to his house last week and his father asked us to give him the exact amount which we’re going to pay for the dinner…he told his dad and his dad wrote it down on a paper… The funny thing is his dad ONLY pays for his mum’s tables and he pays for his own tables (friends) and I pay for bride’s side. I just so don’t understand what’s the point of a MUST wedding dinner to be held with payments between shared and calculated so so so well~ I was surprise and curious with it. I’m not sure why his parents will do it like that. Or maybe~!! he did talk to his parents about insufficient money for the wedding dinner. If it were to be paid so so so equally…how come we still need a wedding dinner…? How come we don’t just go travel wedding…? How come they want people’s daughter to marry into their family BUT bride is paying for her own share? Since my parents are not even collecting their “Ping Jing” already…can’t they just be a bit more generous…? Why do they have to be so super extreme calculative? So it means in future my children use his/her own money to grow up? My children pays everything him/herself means their life has nothing to do with the family except there’s the “relationship” in their blood? What a weird family~!!! This is my first and also last time facing this kind of family. I’m not sure if this is called my “bad” luck life or just the time isn’t right for me to see their real point of life… >.<

Last weekend there’s MATTA FAIR here in Suria Sabah. I went there shopping with my friend but we didn’t go source for information…or can be considered as we didn’t even managed to step onto Ground Floor to go to the Fair. We were busy shopping in Metrojaya and other outlets at First Floor. I didn’t feel the urge or eager to go to the Fair either. I was thinking to save money and at least to past the wedding dinner before thinking of holiday plans…not to mentioned honeymoon, which I confirmed know that once mentioned means end up argument again~!!! I’m avoiding it all the while until Sunday~ When I woke up on Sunday afternoon…he told me he’ll pick me for lunch as usual and I thought we would go somewhere to look for wedding stuffs or just watch a movie or something. Ended up he told me he wanted to go MATTA FAIR…I was like =.= I know then that it won’t end up to be a good day again~ *sigh* We had lunch at Suria Sabah. I had a strong feeling that his sis would be there because he keeps telling me that his sis asked him to join their honeymoon trip to Korea. He is the kind of person who definitely WON'T asked me to go somewhere if his family or sis or friends are not around. That's why I knew there's confirmed something not so right there. Right after lunch, he quickly brought me to the Fair. Once I stepped into the entrance of the booth at the Fair…”Tah Dahh~!!!” there’s her sis is sitting right in front at one of the booths near the entrance…I didn’t noticed at first…I was busy looking at brochures and leaflets…then he poked me to look at his sis… Once I lifted my head to look…I saw his sis waving hardly and with a big grin asking us to go over and join them. I didn’t give a second thought and look away and continued looking at what I was looking. I know it’s not a good manners BUT I really cannot accept it…it’s my so normal reaction to do it.

I just don’t understand why his sis would want a 10 to 12 persons group trip as honeymoon~!!! Usually honeymoon are spend where the two newly weds enjoy themselves happily to the fullest without any friends along. They can join tour but not specially arranged with friends. *sweat* Those big group of tour with friends are called HOLIDAYS~!!! Can’t she just open her mind and think clearly…? Can she just stop thinking about saving money?!?! Wedding and Honeymoon is a once in a lifetime thing~!!! She already spoiled my whole wedding with her beloved mum and she still wants to happily continue spoiling my honeymoon~!!! Arghhh~!!! I just cannot stand it~!!! And he also keeps asking me whether I want to join or not…At first I don’t want to make the situation feels so weird…I just keep telling him that we don’t have so much money since we still need to pay for our loan…some more the wedding is not over. But his idiotic sis never gives up bugging us~!!! Every single day or two would come begging us to join their trip. And because of this…in the end I really couldn’t stand it anymore…I told him straight to the face that I don’t want to go to ANY holidays as long as involving his sis! I cannot click with her means I cannot~!!! I even gave him an example…he really don’t like one of my good friend…I told him what if I forced him to go holiday with them as well…what would he feel…how come he won’t just think how I feel…He kept quiet and said ok~ he won’t forced me…he just asked in case I feel like going we could join to save money…since that trip is actually joined by 5 newly wed couples from our Church…so lotsa expenses can be saved during the trip…I really want to bang my head on the wall real hard~!!! Whatever he do also he thinks of saving money and joining his sis…Whenever his sis manja him for something he will sure consider…Whenever his sis makes me angry he will avoid it and try to make me cool down and pray to GOD to forgive his sis for her behavior…WHAT am I to him?!?! Does he ever think that I’m going to be his wife?!?! Does he ever thinks that I will be going through the rest of my life with him instead of his sis and mum?!?!

I repeatedly told him again we will not know our budget ONLY after our wedding…we can’t think of honeymoon first…his sis still continues to bug us until today!!! He still hopes I would consider to join his sis. SHIT~!!! Now I’m starting to feel he loves his families more than me~!!! All the while this few years I feel he really loves me…BUT not now… *sob* I don’t want to think anymore…I just want to enjoy my life and earn money…I can’t said I don’t want to marry…my parents are not those open-minded people. They will feel very very sad if I were to turn them down at moments like now. They will think they are bad because they didn’t give a good example and didn’t teach their daughter well…and I end up being so irresponsible person. Because of them…I had to go on with life~

Last week we missed Cell Group meeting. I had a huge curiosity in my mind. The week before we attended the meeting and the topic was asking everyone of us to draw our family tree and also indicate the situation of relationship for the whole family tree no matter how many generations we have and we can know. The Cell Group Leader told us that last week was to bring the diagram to the meeting but we would not necessary to show others. It's just a guideline for us to break whatever curse there is in our family tree so that our generations now would live a better life. I don't really quite understand the whole reason behind it but I find it interesting as it would help my mum. During the Cell Group Meeting everyone would pray for the everyone's family, and especially if for those who could share their family history and it would helps more in breaking some curse or bad lucks. I purposely rush back from shopping to go Cell Group meeting. I never felt so eager before to look forward to go to that meeting. BUT when I reach his house...he said I shop till too late then he also said he don't want to go. I was like o.O I keep asking him how come he don't want to go...he couldn't give me a good reason. He just said it's late already. *sweat* There's times when his sis even reach the meeting about 2 hours late where the meeting almost ends. Now we're just like 30mins late. And the most surprising part is his sis was also in her home casual wear at his house. She also never intended to go in the first place after all. I also asked him how come his sis doesn't go. She always never missed this kinda activities. He keep avoiding and said he don't know and if I so want to know, I could go ask her myself. I was even more surprise!!! He asked me if I have finished drawing my family tree, I said mine can be done quite fast. I can do it while he drives to reach our destination. He said he didn't do his so better not to go. o.O But isn't he and his sis share the same family tree...? How come his sis didn't do as well? He will be unhappy if I ever find reasons and want to miss the Cell Group Meeting. His sis will insist to follow our car to go even if she didn't drive or her hubby is not free. BUT that day was really surprising!!! She is driving but both of the don't intend to go. They are just busy chatting in their house with their families when I reach!!! Do you think something's weird there? Do you think they are trying to hide something about their families? Do you think they don't want anyone to know their families history? His sis even emphasize during the meeting the week before that it is BEST to settle and clear all this bad "curse" before marriage. AND this week both of them escaped. I had no choice but to go home then~ >.<

This two days I have been going to his house and helping him re-paint his room. During these two days of painting…his sis keeps giving lotsa comments about lighting…colours and every other single thing in the room…there’s always something and somewhere she’ll be commenting. She’s always comparing every little thing in our room with her new apartment. I’m so pissed off with her. Can she just keep her mouth shut?!?! Can she just respect what other people like?!?! Being a teacher but with such an attitude…what a shame!!! His parents and elder brother do give comments as well…but they still ended their comments with “As long as you like…then no regrets…whatever we think nice or not is not important…” Doesn’t that sound more polite…?!?! She’s such a damn busybody idiot?!?! Can’t she just stay at her own house and mind her own business?!?! She just keeps coming in giving comments and never touch a single thing to help and just bullshits~!!! The whole time I was keeping quiet for the two days. Today I was too irritated with her and I told him to just finish the painting and not to bother some areas which can’t be seen after furniture placed in. He was not happy that I don’t put much effort or interest in his room. He just don’t understand how I feels. I’m all the while in the past 30 years living ONLY with my parents with not so much comments. He can stand his family’s comments and some of their disrespectfulness…BUT I cannot~!!! He cannot expect me to swallow everything from A-Z from his families!!!

I was too bored with just painting. I asked him all of a sudden “When can we get out own house?” He asked me what kind of house I’m aiming for. What kind of value. I said something like my parent’s ones or something smaller and cheaper. He asked me to wait 10 years. *big sweat* I said my house doesn’t costs a million, why need 10 years. He said house value will increase. Even his business prosper doesn’t mean he can buy me a house of that size or value in few years time. I was like ….. =.= Then I keep quiet. I was thinking in my mind. Ok~ I really need to earn my own money for my future~ *sigh* What a sad reply I heard~ I just hope he will at least tell me that he will try his best to get us a home no matter how instead of giving me such an answer~! =.=

*sigh* conclusion for this blog will be I don’t want to go honeymoon with that group of people and still…I have to earn my own money and have my own career~!!! I feel so bad…I so so so wish I have a much better life…I so so so wish he would appreciate me more!!! I guess this is my fate…this is my miserable life~ When I saw my friend’s or cousin’s photos and facebook…they all have wonderful life being with their other half. They are also newly weds. I really envy all of them and makes me feel more sad and miserable with my own life and more and more disappointed with him.

GOD~ please answer my prayers…please let him love and care and appreciate me more. Please wake him up to be like before. He's desperately changing so much now. I really don’t feel happy with my life now~! Amen~