It’s 6:15am now and I still cannot sleep. This is very bad for my health and skin especially my wedding is so near. I am not sure if blogging could help me to release my pressure and unhappiness but its always worth a try~ I know some of the things are not good to be blogged out as this is my personal life happenings but I really cannot find any other ways to make myself feel better. *sob*
I don’t know what’s wrong with my wedding and preparations before wedding. I have so much worries and unhappiness. I’m not sure if it is because of “me” or there is really problems arising within this period of time. I’m so so so sad that I have to give up my dream wedding just because we don’t have sufficient money for the whole wedding ceremony and dinner. When both of us first started planning for the wedding since he proposed to me on 14 February last year, I’m really very excited about the whole idea and I thought my beautiful dreams will begin from thereafter. As days gone by, I find myself getting more and more unhappy about it. I’m not a materialistic girl. I’m just a simple girl who wish to have a simple and happy wedding for once in a lifetime. To me, wedding is like a person’s life, there’s no Take 2.
At first, I thought I wasn’t working, that is why I have to give up lots of wonderful wedding ideas and plans. Few months later, his business started to fall, I know I couldn’t continue to not work, I know he couldn’t afford to cover for my living while he needs to do savings for our wedding. I made up my mind to look for a job and GOD bless me I found a job. I have worked there for about 6 months. I’m unhappy working there and his business has also stabilize so we both agreed I could concentrate more on wedding preparations and quit the job. I was worried at first but after a while I was ok since I still help in his business. Few months later GOD bless me again, I found a new business opportunity, a friend introduce me to join eCOsway. I was very very happy and I worked hard everyday hoping I could have my own business in near future.
When my dreams are getting better, I was informed that I failed my interview to open my own business. At that time, I was totally lost. I had lost hope and confidence in my life. All of a sudden I feel the whole world is gray and I don’t know what is my next motivation in life. I even had a slight thought to run away to a new country that no one knows me and start a whole new life. GOD bless me again! I got warm and full support from two of my friends. I suddenly realized that all the while I’m praying for GOD’s help to save me from my difficulties and my prayers were answered! I was very happy again! Thinking back now, I feel that I’m the kind of person who is easily satisfied and easily disappointed. But that’s “me”! I’m just a very simple girl. I don’t think of complicated things, I always find reasons for myself to cover my unhappiness until the extend that I cannot cope anymore then I will break down. It sounds more like a machine.
It’s 6:45am now. I’m still wide awake.
Later in the afternoon around 3:00pm, his parents would be coming over to pay a visit to my parents. Today we’ll be doing the traditional Chinese “Gor Dai Lai”. I should be very happy about it but I’m not. I’m worried that everything is not going to turn out the way it is.
Last night he told me that his mum informed him that the main table during our wedding dinner will be occupied by his family more than mine. I will be only given 3 seats which is my parents and myself. This news suddenly shocked me very much! How could it be! No matter my side of the table have arrangements or not, at least it should be discussed with my family first. Now it’s like informing me that the seats will be occupied! When I tried to reason with him, he told me that that is his mum’s idea and her reasons are that there’s no other NG’s family members so besides NG’s family, not even my mum’s parents are allowed to sit there. I know I’m the younger generations but I still need to respect my grandparents (mum’s parents). I have already personally informed and invited them. No matter they are attending or not, it is still yet to be confirmed. When I told him about my reasons and my opinions that IF my grandparents won’t be attending, my eldest uncle or aunt would be there to be on behalf, no matter how they are my mum’s brothers and sisters! How could the reasons be that they are not NG’s family and not allowed to be sitted there. Correct me if I’m wrong! Chinese traditions only allowed father’s family to be consider the most important in a family? Mother’s family are not important? Why bother to get married then? Isn’t it after marriage then both parent’s families are equally important?
My dad is not really educated due to his poor family background in the past. My mum’s mental health is not so good during recent years. No matter what, they are also my parents! How could his mum always decides everything herself and pay no respects to my parents? I’m the ONLY CHILD in the family! My marriage and my wedding means more than anything to them in their lifetime! It is equally as important to me!
Thinking back again…which of the things in my wedding I’m given the opportunity to decide something I like?
I have been giving tonnes of reasons for myself to feel better…
Pre-wedding Photography…I really wish to go France Taipei no matter it’s at Taiwan or Singapore or even West Malaysia…in the end because of the tight budget…I sacrifice for him…
Wedding Dinner Venue…I so so so wish to be at Shangrila Tangjung Aru Resort (STAR) but due to the tight budget and expensive package…I sacrifice for him… *this is my most regretted one!!!*
Church Wedding…I wish to have a beautifully decorated church with full of flowers…I love flowers! and because there is no budget…I sacrifice for him…
Photo Montage and Videography…I really wish to have a very sweet and memorable one but I have a feeling the outcome will definitely not going to be good or maybe no outcome at all…I finally managed to get a good videographer also BIG thanks to both my friends…or else I will not have a chance to convince him at all~!!! He even mentioned to me that it’s a burden for him due to the high price *sweat*
House or Room…I wish to start a family with a “really” proper house we could comfortably stay in…I don’t mind if it’s small…I don’t mind if it’s second-hand…I just WISH to start my own family there…I sacrifice for him…no house then I’m ok with room…now even the room we cannot even renovate anything at all due to family member’s superstitious…now even the lights and electrical fan in the room, it is not in our budget to afford buying it…can you believe it?!?!
Other details…being together as a couple means starting a brand new life together…it’s even more important than Chinese New Year! He even asked me to save or if possible, not to buy those new clothes, new shoes, new towels, new pyjamas, etc etc etc I’m still trying to sacrifice for him
I owe my friend a HUGE favour…my friend have already helped me to solve my financial difficulties and I’m so so so grateful. In the end, a big amount of the loan goes to him. It is well reasonable when I was told that I could invest in his business so he could help me earn back faster so I could quickly settle my loan. I’m so happy when I heard about it. Besides the investment, I had to come out with other payments for our wedding…I don’t mean that I’m stingy and not willing to pay for our wedding but when I paid…how come I don’t get to decide in anything at all…I still need to continue sacrifice…sacrifice and sacrifice…and sacrifice~ when can I stop this sacrificing? When can he appreciate me more? When can he not show me sour face or reason back with me when I told him about my opinions? When can he not get angry when I told him what I want? When can he really stop for a second and think about me? When can he really wake up to think that OUR WEDDING is meant for US? When will he open his mind to realize how much I have sacrifice? When will he stop making me feel sad? When will he feel pity for me when he hears me cry? When will he STOP depending on his parents?
I don’t even dare to think how much he will appreciate me in future. I don’t even dare to think whether how good he will treat me in future. I don’t even dare to hope for simple honeymoon now! I’m worried about my life after marriage. I’m worried about my financial after marriage. When I cried last time, he will be so worried and find ways to make me happy but now I cried he will just relax and wait for me to finish crying and then go to sleep. *sweat* I thinks he started to feel I’m more and more hopeless! I don’t even get surprises or gifts or flowers now during special occasions or even birthdays!!! I’m even more worried that our marriage will not last forever. How come I will have this kind of feeling just a month away from my wedding? How come I have pressure not because I’m too busy with wedding preparations but because I don’t even have money to prepare? There are too many doubts in me!!!
I did ever asked him, how come our wedding will turn out to be as bad as this now. When we planned since last year, we have never ever thought our day will end up till this extend. No matter what I asked or how I asked, he will only tell me pray more to GOD! GOD will help us! GOD will create miracles for us! I’m sorry to say but it’s not that I don’t believe in GOD, it’s not that I don’t have faith in GOD. I do…I honestly do believe and have faith in GOD!!! But we have to make an effort in doing everything before GOD could give us miracles. How can he always wait day by day and tells me that GOD will help us? We’re going everywhere to search for things to buy for our wedding BUT until today it’s still ONLY searching and not buying! Everytime when I mentioned when do we buy those stuffs, he will only answer me, “don’t worry, no rush, we still have 1 more month, why buy it so early when we still have so much time…”. I’m so so so pissed off with that answer!!! I have totally given up once again! I don’t want to do anything anymore. Let’s wait together! Let’s wait for the last week before wedding then!!!
It’s 7:45am now…I still can’t stop blogging…I have so so so much things in my mind…I couldn’t stop thinking…I couldn’t stop feeling down…I couldn’t stop writing…
I know I complaint too much…I know I am not perfect either but I just hope he understands how I feel and think. It’s not because I do not want to sit down and talk nicely to him BUT our conversations will never ever have a conclusion!!! Whenever I find a chance to talk to him on any of the above topic, he will either keep quiet and said “you like…you win” or he will be sour face and said “what else u want…why do u expect so much when you know we don’t have enough money…” or he will have 1,001 reasons to answer me and in the end I’m still the one who is so wrong in asking. I’m still the one who always have so much to complaint. I’m always the one to always ask for something which I already know there’s no conclusion. I know he treats me good. I know he loves me very much. But when will he ever know how I feel? He’s so so so stubborn!!! I just wish GOD will give me a miracle! I wish GOD will wake him up to at least appreciate me more!!! I’m really really very very tired with EVERYTHING…
I even asked him few times that whether we could postponed our wedding…just mentioned that we need more budget…to be honest isn’t it better than being so stubborn? We can have a much better wedding and marriage life after wedding as happy moments will always be the sweetest & most memorable things for us to maintain better relationship in future~ he always answered me the news has already been announced, we cannot change, it’s not good to change, other people will think we’re useless… *sweat* How come he cannot put down his ego and settle things properly? How come everything is decided by his mum now?
Can he PLEASE PLEASE wake up and look around and clear his mind to see what is going on?!?!
This is OUR WEDDING~!!! It doesn’t belong to anyone else!!! All I can make myself feel better now is pray to GOD, pray to GOD, pray to GOD…still pray to GOD…and pray to GOD… =.= My only motivation in life now is MONEY!!! I want to earn lots and lots of money…I want to go travelling…I want to buy my own house…I want to have my own career…I want to help those in need of help…I want to have faith in GOD more…I feel hopeless in love…I’m too sad in everything…I can’t even go travel when the ticket have already been purchased! The reason is because we don’t have enough time to prepare for our wedding BUT I don’t even have anything to prepare!!! I only know when I have money means I can do whatever I want and travel to wherever I wish to! Now he makes me think that MONEY is everything…GOD bless me with money…when I have the money means my life will be happy! He don’t cares for me as much as before, he only thinks how to earn more money. So Do I~!!!
I really have to stop for now...It's already 8:30am... =(
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