Something That I Have Not Share For Ages

It’s 11:45pm now. I haven’t been blogging for ages. The last time I blog was the relationship I had with CM.

Time past so fast…thinking back it’s like almost 2 years already now…

I have quit from my Charles & Keith job since 15 March 2008 and today is already 29 September 2008. I have been searching around for a job but I haven’t found a suitable one yet. I’m not lazy but I just want to have a long break since my first job started in October 2001. I have been working for Wong Kwok Group, Sagajuta Properties (Sabah) Sdn Bhd and Charles & Keith. All this three jobs I have are really challenging and a very good learning experience for me. I really appreciate working in three different kinds of environment and get to know a lot of people.

During this long break, I have been traveling to Singapore with my ex-colleague, Lois and as well as a holiday trip with Kiong, Connie (Kiong’s Sister) and Cobain (Connie’s Boyfriend). Besides the trip to Singapore, I have also been to Mataking Island, a very beautiful island with 45 minutes boat ride from Semporna and my stay in Mesilau Resort, a beautiful mountain resort in Kundasang.

Although I have not been working these six and a half months, I spend more time with my mum, which I think she is very happy. I have not much time to be at home with her since I started my first job. Now that she is still mentally not feeling well but I can see she lived her life better with me around her everyday. I guess that’s a good sign for me. She just doesn’t want be to be too stressful with my work. As for myself, I would also like to look for a simpler job now. I have been a Degree Holder General Clerk in my first job and slowly advanced in my career till a Franchise Manager in my last job. I’m very much satisfied with my career advancement already. I now prefer a simple job with office hour time and five days a week or thinking of having my own small business.

I think that’s all I could blog about my career. I’m happy with it.

Now to my daily life…I have now learned how to play an online game during my long break. It is called Cabal Online. I find it interesting and fun. I guess that’s because it’s my first online game that I learned how to play from the very beginning. I’m so addicted to playing it at first. I can spend most of my time leveling my beautiful character till it’s so powerful now. After some time I get bored with it and I started to play less already. I guess that’s because I don’t have friends around me playing. Now that I understand why most youngsters will get so addicted to playing online games. That’s because they don’t have extra free time to always play it. They only get to play during weekends or public holidays.

My everyday life is just eating, sleeping, gaming, watching Astro On Demand and going out with Kiong once in a while as most of the time he’ll be gaming with me as well.

I think that’s all again I could blog about my daily life.

Now to my relationship. I really don’t know where to start and how to start. I can say I’m happy with my current relationship but I think my one and only closest friend will know what I think and how I feel. I have been asking myself over and over and over again. I keep telling myself that I’m not ready to be getting married now…BUT…I’m actually lying to myself and just to make myself feel better…I had to think it like this…

When I end my last relationship, I know where the problems come from. I had no regrets because I know it’s the best solution for both of us. Before I started this new relationship, I made up my mind, to give myself another chance to try and make it a happy ending…

But months passed, I have that disappointed feeling coming back again…I don’t know what to do…I have been controlling my own mind from thinking about it for months already…I’m not unhappy but the disappointed feeling is there…I felt bad again now…

I know and understand our situation now where financially we are unsuitable to start another chapter of our life now. But I was asked to attend classes and seminars for the preparation of it. I couldn’t talk to my parents about it. I couldn’t talk to him about it. I’m just too confused. I was not being proposed but I was asked to attend classes and seminars. I don’t know what other girls will have in mind but for me the most basic request from me is just a sweet & romantic proposal. I do not expect a proposal then to straightaway start the new chapter of life. I needed the proposal as I know I can give myself & my parents a confirm answer and planning on what I have to do before the real chapter of my life starts. I just cannot accept when I was asked to attend classes and seminars just because there are other friends or his family member are also attending it.

I guess other girls may have different thinking with me but this is who I am. I’m not like other girls. Being with me had to accept what I feel and think. This goes the same for him. I do accept what he think and feels too. Sometimes I know what I say is right but he insisted that it is not like that. I would just keep quiet about it. Any matters and problems in a relationship have to be shared by both parties…to give and take. I actually do not expect to get a proposal and the wedding to be in three or six months time. Everything takes time to plan and make it goes well.

I guess to other friends who do not know me well might think I’m too eager to get married. But for me, I was insecure in my last relationship, and I just hope to get my security back in this relationship.
Recently, I have been thinking to look for jobs elsewhere like Singapore or KL. I have been disturbed by the thinking of my relationship too much. I worried it might end up bad. I have this feeling to runaway from this problem instead of facing it. In my last relationship, I had a proposal ring but matters get too worse where I just couldn’t accept it anymore. I’m happy we are still good friends now.

Now I’m so confused and just let days goes by again…then waiting for years to go by again…I really can’t do anything anymore. I know our relationship would be so much better if he could just take one more step forward. Anyway, I guess guys just wouldn’t think that way. I guess for them to take one step forward means to risk a very big part of their life. I’m not the forceful type…I’ll just let it go on day by day. Now my conversation with him is getting less. He don’t like to ask and I don’t know when or where or how to start talking to him. I do have a lot of my own family matters that I would like to share with him but he just doesn’t ask and don’t have free time to have a good chat with me…so I guess I shall just keep it till one day when he’s free…

I’m happy that Kiong treats me very good…I guess I shouldn't ask too much...I have to be happy with what I have now...but just I hope one day he’ll wake up and know what I think and feel a relationship should be…

This sure is a very long blog…I’m not sure when I’ll blog again but I just feel so down and disappointed tonite…I could blog this much…