Thinking back again...

2 July 2007 2:00am

I just finish shower. I wanted to sleep but I don’t feel sleepy. I’m mentally tired but my eyes can’t close to rest. I don’t want to think so much. I want to have a good rest and wake up early tomorrow for work. Whenever I close my eyes, there are a lot of thoughts flying through my mind. I can’t wipe them away and rest properly. I feel so tired mentally. I’m not this kind of person. I’ve changed to be like this kind of person as days goes by in my life.

I don’t have an aim in my life anymore. I used to have an aim to achieve as a way to motivate myself. I’ve always wanted my own house and my own car. I’ve got both of it this year. My parents bought a new house in Taman Saga, Kolombong, which we moved in to stay on 15 January 2007. I finally owned my first car, Black Gen2 on 25 April 2007.

The next greatest moment I want in my life is to have my own family. It’s my dream since I’m 18 years old. I wanted to have a simple and happy relationship then followed by simple and happy marriage proposal then followed by unforgettable and happy wedding and last but not least simple and happy family life…

I know this will only happen if two people are willing to go through ups and downs, sadness and happiness, forgiveness and forgetness together…

The most important part is the time and moment, which both people must appreciate and treasure to step into a new chapter of life…

I’m trying very hard to let go this thinking and feeling but it is really very difficult for me…I’m going through an unhappy and difficult journey in my life now…I feel hopeless and directionless in my life…

I have no aim to achieve in my life now. The only thing I can think to make myself feel better is to save and plan for vacation, a trip to countries that I’ve never been before…I’m not really willing to travel on my own now…I actually wanted to put this aim in my family life…

I wanted a simple and happy family life…with or without children doesn’t matter to me…I don’t mind to work to save for a vacation…the most important thing I wanted to have after marriage is to travel at least ONCE a year with my hubby or children to maintain a happy family life…I don’t mind whether it’s a near or far place…at least somewhere away from home sweet home…

I feel disappointed and hopeless because I don’t know who is the ONE who could understand what I think or feel…MONEY is not the most important thing in life…just enough for a living is consider good for me…I don’t need to own big house…drive luxurious car…wear branded attire…own loads of jewelries…live high-class life…NO! There’s no such thing in MY dictionary…Caring, Understanding, Loving and Trusting is the one I really treasure and appreciate from SOMEONE…

I really wish SOMEONE would understand how I think and feel…